Author’s Note: This is a work of fiction, born of my psychotic imagination. The characters are based on themselves, and they (along with their neuroses and psychoses) belong to Bertha (my faithful Muse) and myself. You may borrow them for your own personal use, but make sure they shower before returning them to me.

If you are sensitive to matters of sexual orientation, read no further.

If you’re under 18 in either mind, body, or soul, exit stage left. But do come back in a few years.

Send comments, questions, and cans of Dr Pepper (preferably full) to ingrid [at] midnightisland [dot com

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Chapter One

Head-banging is a surefire way to get a headache. I learned this lesson well on my way home from my Voice III class, as I got a bit carried away listening to Aerosmith’s “Dude (Looks Like A Lady).” Hey, it’s not my fault the lyrics are so compelling.

“Never judge a book by it’s cover … or who you gonna love by your lover … Sayin’ love put me wise to her love in disguise … She had the body of a Venus, Lord imagine my surprise … ”

Well, at least I’d stopped listening to “Angel” on repeat.

“Any messages?” I asked my roommate, upon entering my lovely boudoir. I was trying desperately not to think about anything meaningful. So far, I’d succeeded admirably. That is, until I noticed the object on my bed. “What’s that?” I walked closer, hesitation obvious in my step. I think I was afraid it would get up and bite me. It’s possible. I’d watched Unsolved Mysteries.

“Valerie dropped it off,” Nicole answered casually, though I could tell by her tone that she was dying to know what it was.

At the sound of Valerie’s name, I whirled around to face my roommate. “Valerie? When was this?”

“She left about ten minutes ago,” Nicole responded, the book she’d been reading now lay open on her chest. I had her full attention. “I told her to wait for you, but she bolted.”

“Huh.” I turned back to my bed, or more specifically the item thereon, and tried to keep a frown off my face. I doubt I succeeded. She bolted. Of course. What’d you expect the way you walked out of her apartment the last time. I bit my lip.

“Are you going to see what it is?” Nicole asked, with a hint of impatience.

“Huh? Oh. Right.” I walked over and grabbed a hold of the black sheet covering the object and pulled it off. For a moment, I was speechless.

Nicole was looking over my shoulder a second later. “Oh wow. Did you pose for that?”

I knew I was blushing furiously. I was about to answer her, when I noticed the yellow piece of paper tacked to the corner of the canvas. Silently, I pulled it out and unfolded it.

Alix,

I’m not entirely sure why I thought you’d want this. You probably don’t. But I really wanted you to have it … Whatever you choose to do with it is up to you. I’ll understand.

~Val

PS: I meant what I said the other night. I hope, if nothing else, you at least believe that.

“What did she say the other night?” Nicole asked.

It was then I realized she was reading over my shoulder. I folded the note and stared at the drawing of me for a moment, not answering her. There were various emotions surging through my heart at that moment, none of which I could possibly understand fully. So instead of trying to analyze the tempest in my brain, I headed for the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, and slammed the door behind me, leaving a very curious Nicole behind.

“Alix.”

“Huh?”

“You’re making me dizzy.”

I stopped mid-pace, and smiled apologetically at Jessica. Then went ahead and took a seat on one of the bean bag chairs she had randomly strewn about the place. If you must know, I chose the black one. “So, what do you think?”

“About?”

“The ozone layer,” I replied dryly.

Jessica quirked a brow in my direction. She was sitting on the floor, leaning against the back of her couch. I don’t know why she didn’t just sit on it. “I suppose I like it.”

I sent her what I hoped was a dirty look. “Focus,” I instructed. “Valerie. Alix. Confusion. Help.”

Jessica shifted uncomfortably. “I really don’t think I’m the one you should be talking to about this.”

Still sitting, I used my legs and feet to drag myself closer to her. This proved to be harder than I originally intended, but it’s amazing what one won’t do just to keep from having to get up. Finally, I was sitting in front of her. “Just tell me .. what do you think I should do?”

She was silent for a long while. Finally, she met my gaze. “I think you should follow your heart.”

I blinked and stood up, resuming my pacing. “Follow my heart? My heart is stationary, Jessica. It goes nowhere. How am I supposed to follow it?” I ran both hands through my hair in an attempt to rein in my frustration. When that didn’t help, I stopped. “Okay. I’ll just do this the rational way.” I walked over to Jessica’s desk and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

“What are you doing?”

A moment later, I was back in the bean bag chair. “I’m going to make a list of pros and cons.” I said this very matter-of-factly, then shrugged. “I saw it on ‘Friends.’” I drew a line down the middle of the page, and labeled each side accordingly.

Jessica watched me silently for about five seconds. “Alix. Is this really necessary?”

“Well you’re not helping any,” I replied pointedly. “If you would give me some concrete advice then maybe I wouldn’t have to resort to this kind of behavior.”

She grabbed the paper and the pen away from me and put it out of my reach. “Alix, listen to me. You’re going to take a deep breath and then you’re going to get back down from Cloud Aerosmith.”

I took a deep breath, but was a bit more hesitant to give up my lovely apartment on Cloud A. It had a beautiful view. And Cloud 9 was within drifting distance. “Alright. I’m calm. I’m grounded. Lay it on me.”

“Close your eyes,” she instructed, grabbing a hold of my hands.

I frowned slightly, then complied. “Is this some kind of guided meditation? Cause I tend to have trouble reaching that happy place-”

“Alix…”

“Sorry. Okay.” I kept my eyes closed.

“Now. Do you want to be with Valerie? Yes or no.”

I was about to protest to the question but she interrupted me.

“Yes or no, Al. C’mon.”

I sighed. “Yes.”

She let go of my hands and I opened my eyes. “Well there you go,” she said, as if everything was incredibly obvious.

I bit my lip thoughtfully. And I guessed it was.

I believe, and I’m adamant about this, that dresses and high heels cloud the mind. Because I was definitely not thinking clearly when I’d shown up at her apartment wearing the atrocious attire Jessica had stuck me in. Had I been thinking clearly, I would’ve gone home to change, and then visited her. Then perhaps I wouldn’t have walked out of her apartment the moment she puts the words “love” and “you” in the same sentence and directed them toward me.

This is what I was thinking while I stared at the number ‘418′ on Valerie’s door. Daydreaming is the most sincere form of procrastination.

Pushing a strand of hair out of my eyes, I knocked on the door. Several times. I kicked it once. I even did the hokey pokey and still nothing.

The realization that she wasn’t home finally dawned on me.

Not feeling patient enough to sit around and wait for her, I went straight for plan B.

On my walk to Whispers I went over what I’d decided. I could give us another shot. But we needed ground rules. Lots of ground rules. Perhaps maybe some underground rules to go with the ground rules.

I walked into the club feeling confident. And a bit excited because I’d finally come to a decision I could live with. We’d just take it slow. Very slow. So slow in fact, that it would give off the illusion that we were going backwards instead of forwards.

At the bar, I glanced around, expecting to see Valerie. When I didn’t see her, I started looking around. When I still didn’t see her, I frowned.

“Can I get you something?”

I turned to face the bartender, whom definitely wasn’t Valerie no matter how hard I tried to pretend otherwise. Giving up on self-inflicted delusion, I shook my head. “Nothing to drink thanks,” I replied. Before she had a chance to move away, I added, “But, uh, can you tell me when Valerie is working next?”

The woman studied me for a moment, her eyes narrowing. She looked vaguely familiar though I couldn’t really place her. “Valerie quit a few days ago.”

I’m sure I did a double-take. “What?”

She nodded. “Sorry to say.”

I placed my hands firmly on the bar top, trying desperately to hang on to my fleeting self-control. “Why did she quit? Did she get a better job somewhere else?”

“She was leaving for New York.”

I blinked a few time as if by clearing my vision I could somehow clear my hearing as well. Or at least, change what I’d just heard into something that … Suddenly, her words hit home. “What?!” This I nearly yelled.

Brown eyes appeared to contemplate my existence. “Are you a friend of Val’s?”

Biting back a sarcastic remark, I said, “Something like that. Do you know when she was planning to leave?”

“Not a clue,” she responded. “Last I talked to her was a few days ago, but I’d bet on anything she’s gone by now.”

I looked around, feeling desperate. No crying. No crying. Why the hell did she leave?! “Do you know where in New York she was going to?”

I could tell by the way she looked at me that she had an answer but it didn’t appear like she was going to give it to me.

“Please,” I said, noting the touch of desperation in my voice. I tried not to cringe at this. “It’s really important.”

The woman stared at me for a second longer, then grabbed a napkin and pen from under the bar and wrote something down. “Her brother’s apartment in New York. That’s where she told me she was going to stay.” She hesitated, then handed it over.

“Thank you,” I said. Had there not been a counter between us, I would’ve hugged the woman. “I really appreciate this.”

She nodded. “No problem.”

As I left the club, it didn’t even occur to me to wonder how this woman knew the address by heart.

“I need to go to New York,” I announced, throwing open the door to Jessica’s room without bothering to knock.

“Alix!” Jessica and Mathew chorused.

“Whoops.” I did an immediate U-turn and headed out into the hall. This is not shaping up to be a good day. I tried not to shudder.

A couple of minutes later, the door opened and Jessica was dressed in a tee shirt and a pair of boxers that I guessed weren’t hers.

“Gross,” I said, crossing into the room. “Where’s Mathew?”

“Uh, shower,” Jessica answered, closing the door.

I decided that I should start talking before Jessica killed me. “I need to go to New York,” I informed her.

She shrugged. “We’ll take a trip there for your birthday,” she said.

“Valerie’s gone,” I explained.

That got her attention. “What?”

“Gone,” I repeated. “As in, no longer in South Florida. As in, she’s departed to the Big Apple.”

Jessica shook her head. “Are you saying you want to follow her to New York? Are you crazy? What are you going to do, stand in the middle of Times Square and call her name? Pass out flyers with her picture on them?”

I smiled at the thought, then dug in my pocket and came up with the napkin. “I know where she’s staying. Detective work pays off.”

Jessica crossed the room to sit at the edge of the waterbed. “Alix, this is crazy.”

Mathew walked out of the bathroom at that moment, dressed elegantly in a navy blue bathrobe. “Hey, Al. Excellent timing.”

“You know I do my best,” I responded, giving him my most charming smile.

He smiled. “What’s going on?”

“She wants to go follow Valerie to New York,” Jessica informed him.

Suddenly, I felt like I was eleven years-old and asking my parents for permission to go on a school trip.

“What about school?” Mathew asked.

I frowned at both of them. They’d make wonderful parents some day, I was just glad they weren’t mine. “Okay, let me put it another way. I’m going to New York.”

Mathew and Jessica exchanged a look.

Then Jessica said, “We’re coming with you.”

“That’s really not necessary,” I argued. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

They exchanged another look, and I started to get annoyed.

Impatiently, I folded my arms. “Are you going to help me or am I going to have to prostitute myself on the streets of Ft Lauderdale in exchange for a plane ticket?”

They agreed to help me.

The next day I sat impatiently in the terminal waiting for Jessica who had dropped me off and said she’d “be right back.” Her definition of this statement was closer to, “I’ll be back in a year.”

I glanced at my watch. It was almost 3:10 and my flight was due to leave at 3:40. Wearily, I looked around Ft Lauderdale Airport. There were people. And most of them had luggage. Shocking. I was thankful, however, that I hadn’t had to drive all the way to MIA. FLL I could handle. Even with the expansion over recent years, it was still relatively small.

At 3:21, I looked around again and was relieved when I spotted Jessica running in my direction, carrying a bag. What I wasn’t counting on was the fuzz-headed girl running behind her.

Rising to my feet, I frowned just as Jessica reached me.

A little out of breath, she handed over the bag she carried. “You’ll need these.”

My attention was focused on Jade, however. “What are you doing here?” I noticed then that she was dragging along a suitcase.

“I’m going with you,” Jade announced happily, waving a plane ticket in the air. She motioned to Jessica with her head. “She made the arrangements.”

Jessica shrugged, smiling apologetically. “She wanted to go, so I bought her a ticket.”

Jade grinned. “I’ve never been to New York.”

Resigned, I turned my attention to the bag in my hands. “What’s this?” I dug in and came up with a cell phone.

“Emergencies,” Jessica explained.

I dug in again. Another cell phone.

Jessica shrugged. “In case you lose one.”

Jade reached over and grabbed the item from my hands. She patted Jessica’s arm. “Early birthday present.”

“Thank you,” I told Jessica, though I didn’t particularly follow her logic.

Jessica nodded. “Oh and-” She took out her wallet. “Credit cards. You should only need one but just in case.”

She handed over like five of them. I arched an eyebrow as I sorted through them. “Bloomingdale’s?” I questioned.

“You never know.”

Why were my friends insane? I stuck the credit cards in my wallet. “Is that it, mom?”

“Do you have cash on you?”

I nodded. “Don’t worry.”

She hugged me tightly. “Call the second you get there. And be careful.”

It was a good thing I hadn’t decided to go away to college. I wasn’t entirely sure she’d be able to handle it. “I’ll be in touch,” I assured her.

Eventually, Jade and I managed to make our way down to the gate, where passengers were already boarding.

Half an hour later, we were safely in the air. Or at least, I hoped it was safely.

“Ready for story time?” Jade asked.

I considered. “Does it involve another one of your failed romances?”

“Ahuh.”

“I’ll pass.”

“No, no. I assure you. You’ll be entertained. Besides, what else do you have to do for the next three hours?”

Sleep came to mind. But I supposed I could lend a friendly ear. “Alright, amuse me.”

Jade grinned. “Okay. So I told you about that guy Derek I was dating?”

Derek. Derek. Guy with the glasses? “I think so.”

“Did I tell you about his bird obsession?”

I arched an eyebrow.

“Ha! You’re going to love this.” She turned a bit so she could more comfortably look at me while she talked. Somewhere down the isle I heard the comforting sounds of the refreshment cart. “So we’re in the park right and I’m telling him the story of that UFO I saw-I told you that story, right?”

“Five billion times.”

“Alright. So, I’m getting to the good part and all of a sudden he holds up his hand to quiet me. And I think he’s going to say something really deep and meaningful. You know, something relevant to the topic. But all of a sudden he goes, ‘Do you hear that?’ And I listen for a moment and go, ‘No.’ Then he frowns, appearing all concerned and says, ‘The bird singing. It’s a Cordon Bleus.’ Then he starts looking around, and adds, ‘They’ve only recently been allowed in the United States. I bet it’s someone’s pet.’”

Jade rolls her eyes, and continues. “So I try to bring him back to the UFO topic and I think he’s listening to me, but all of a sudden he says, ‘Would you stand up for a moment?’ And I’m confused as bloody hell but do as he says. Then he instructs me to turn around, and I do. So he slaps my ass and starts laughing. I whirl around and I as calmly as I could muster, enquire what he thinks he’s doing and he says, ‘I was just wondering what kind of bird you would be, and it hit me. You could be my Booty Bird.’”

At this point I started giggling.

“So,” Jade continued, “I stare at him as though he’s insane, because there’s no way that this man’s of sound mind, and ask him, politely, not to call me that. And he totally ignores me and says, ‘Since I talk a lot, you can call me your Boo Babbler.’” Jade shakes her head, looking completely appalled. “Boo Babbler! That’s what he wants me to call him! So of course I tell him there’s no way I’m calling him anything of the sort and he thinks I’m kidding with him. So he starts smacking my butt and calling me Booty Bird.”

Laughing, I said, “What did you do?”

“I left his sorry arse in the middle of the park, that’s what I did.” Jade nodded to herself. “If that bloke thinks I’m going to sit around exchanging silly nicknames with him then he’s got another thing coming.”

I shook my head, grinning. “You were right, that was an amusing story.”

She smiled. “I knew you’d enjoy it.”

“Can I call you my Booty Bird?”

She lost her smile. “Alix, if you call me that one more time, I’m going to have to kill you.”

I chuckled.

“So what are you going to do once you track Valerie down?”

“I have no idea,” I answered, suddenly turning serious. “But I’m sure I can wing it.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I glanced at her. “Well it’s a little late now.”

“Nah. It’s not.”

I frowned. “Jade, do you think this is a bad idea?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, Alix. It’s really up to you what you want. If you want to give it another shot with Valerie, then I back you up one hundred percent.”

“Thanks,” I said, suddenly feeling uneasy. Ever since I’d found out about Valerie leaving the only thing I could think about was running after her. But what if she didn’t want me to run after her? What if she had someone else there?

Jade touched my arm gently. “Are you okay?”

“I have no idea,” I responded. “But I guess we’ll find out.”

Chapter Two – still Alix

The plane managed to land without crashing, and for that I was thankful. We grabbed a cab from Newark Airport to the City and instructed the driver to deposit us at a nice hotel. He drove around for a while, trying to decide on which hotel would be best suited for our needs. I thought it was sweet of him to take the time to do that.

He finally settled on the Hilton. Or the Hyatt. It was one of those “H” names. Maybe it was the Holiday Inn. I was way too nervous to notice.

Our suite consisted of adjoining rooms and as I stood there pacing around my section, Jade entered carrying a piece of paper in one hand and a pen in the other.

“I’m working on a poem,” she announced. “Tell me how you like it.” She cleared her throat. “It’s titled How Dare You Call Me Booty Bird—”

“Okay, Jade, that’s enough,” I told her, holding up my hands.

“But you haven’t even heard the first stanza!” Jade complained.

Against my better judgment, I allowed her to continue. I sank down at the edge of my bed and stared expectantly at my best friend, whose sanity I was beginning to question.

“Right then.” She cleared her throat again, if only to irritate me. “How dare you call me Booty Bird .. Don’t you see how that’s absurd? … Don’t tell me to call you Boo Babbler .. Can’t you see that nothing even rhymes with that?” She lifted her head from the piece of paper, gazing at me expectantly.

I stared at her, unblinking.

“Should I read you the rest?”

“No-no,” I answered quickly. “I’m not sure I can handle that much poetic beauty all at once.”

Jade nodded, slipping the paper into the back pocket of her black jeans. “So, what’s the plan? Or are we just winging it?”

I allowed myself to fall back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling quietly for a few moments before answering. “I guess I just show up.”

Jade walked over and sat down on the bed beside me. “Don’t you think she’s going to find this just a wee bit obsessive?”

“So what’s your suggestion? That I parade aimlessly around the city in the off-chance that I’ll bump into her, and then say, ‘Gee, fancy meeting you here’?”

Jade grinned. “You’re right. Now matter what you do, it’s going to seem obsessive.” She patted my knee.

“Thanks.”

“Any time.”

“So what are you going to do tonight?”

Jade appeared surprised. She stood, then walked to the window, spreading her arms toward the view outside. “Alix, look around! This is New York! What am I not going to do tonight.”

I grinned at Jade’s enthusiasm. I wished I could share in the excitement, but I’d barely even noticed the view. “I’m going to shower .. and then … I’m going to find Valerie.”

Jade stared at me, shaking her head. “My friend, you’ve got more balls than the entire NBA.”

I chose to take that as a compliment.

The cab dropped me off across the street from the address the woman at Whispers had given me. It hadn’t occurred to me to wonder if it was the right address. That is, until I heard the taxi screech away. I found myself standing alone in the middle of the sidewalk, staring up at an unfamiliar building, wondering how the hell I’d gotten there.

Gods, did I really come all the way up here?

I stood there for a long moment, trying to rehearse the speech I’d been rewriting over and over in my mind.

Across the street, a figure caught my eye. I frowned suddenly, wondering why I felt compelled to stare at her. It looked like Valerie … but it couldn’t be … Valerie didn’t have black hair …

The figure turned into the building.

Oh … God…

I sprinted across the street, not caring if I got run over on the way there. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately depending on how things turned out, I made it safely to the other side. Once inside the building, I looked around until I caught a flash of black hair disappear around the corner. I dashed in that direction, rounding the corner and finding myself face to face with Valerie.

For what seemed like ages, neither of us said anything. She was looking at me as though she couldn’t believe she was really seeing me. And I was looking at her like … Well, I’m not sure how I was looking at her, but I’m sure she could tell you. Finally, I broke the silence. “I bet you’re wondering what I’m doing in New York…”

Valerie’s face was unreadable as always. “Actually I was wondering if you realized that you’re in an elevator.”

I blinked a few times, then saw the doors to the elevator swoosh closed and felt the box-object-of-death begin its ascent. I swallowed, leaning back against the wall and holding on for dear life. Please don’t let me die. Please don’t let me die.

Bing!

I shut my eyes and screamed, “Oh shit we’re going to die!!”

The doors swooshed open.

“My floor,” Valerie announced.

I peered out through one eye, then the other. “Oh.” With as much dignity as I could muster, I stepped out of the elevator.

Silently, I followed Valerie down the dimly lit corridor, focusing intently on the dark blue carpet at my feet.

Once inside the apartment, we stared awkwardly at one another. This time it was Valerie who spoke first. “Okay, now I’m wondering what you’re doing in New York.”

I took a deep breath. “And what an excellent question that is,” I told her. “It’s a funny story, really. I went to see you and you weren’t home. So I went to Whispers and I was informed of your departure. And I thought, ‘Hey I’ve always wanted to see New York in the fall’. So, here I am.”

“And you just happened to be walking by this building?”

“Uh…” I ran a hand through my hair nervously. “Well, someone might have clued me in as to where you were staying…”

Valerie sighed. “Alix, why are you here?”

“I wanted to thank you for the picture.”

“You’re telling me you flew all the way here to thank me for the drawing?” Valerie asked skeptically.

“No,” I admitted, suddenly wishing she’d offered me a drink. “I didn’t want things to end how they did.”

“So how did you want them to end?”

I stared at her. “I didn’t.”

Her expression remained impassive but I could swear she looked surprised for a second. “What are you trying to say?”

Instead of answering, I said, “When did you dye your hair?”

She didn’t seem surprised by the change in conversation. “Yesterday, the second I got here,” she responded.

She didn’t ask if I liked it, so I didn’t say anything. But I liked it a lot. And here I’d thought she couldn’t get any hotter. I cleared my throat. I knew I had to answer her question but now my actions were starting to seem crazy. Obsessive, even. What was I doing there?

“Would you like to get something to eat?” Valerie suggested, much to my surprise.

I was sure I’d forgotten to pack my appetite when I’d left Florida but I could use the time to think of what to say. “Sure.” I glanced wearily at the door. “But could we maybe take the stairs this time?”

She nodded and turned toward the door, but I could’ve sworn I saw a ghost of a smile pass across her lips.

We ended up at Famous Joe’s Pizza in Greenwich Village. I wasn’t entirely sure if the establishment was named after Joe himself, or if it was the pizza itself that was famous. The guy working there didn’t look familiar, so perhaps it was all about the pizza. But then, wouldn’t it be called Joe’s Famous Pizza? Perhaps if I stayed in New York long enough, it would eventually make sense. Or maybe I was just thinking about stupid things to keep from panicking.

I sat down at a table, looking around the small restaurant. There were about seven tables lined up against the wall. Then some walking space between the table and the counter where one ordered. That was about it. This didn’t seem like an environment conducive to serious conversations, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood for small talk either. So I just stayed quiet and concentrated on breathing.

Outside, a couple of men holding hands passed by. I raised an eyebrow. Guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Valerie joined me at the table soon after and placed a large pepperoni pizza between us. I entertained thoughts that this steaming pile of melting cheese was the only thing keeping us apart. Like the Great Wall of China, only edible. And that if we managed to eat it all, everything would be fine.

Too bad I wasn’t hungry.

I grabbed the smallest slice. Then, lazily picked off the pepperoni.

Valerie sat there silently for as long as she could. Then asked the inevitable, “I thought you said you liked pepperoni pizza?”

I looked up at her, and said quite seriously, “I love it.” Then picked off the last remaining piece.

We ate silently. Well, she ate silently. I just sat there staring down at the slice of pizza before me and wishing it would get up and dance so I’d have something to distract me from the situation at hand. But, it too, sat silently. And I knew that if one of us didn’t say something soon, I’d go insane.

“You never answered my question,” Valerie said suddenly.

“I know,” I responded, daring to look up at her. It amazed me how different she looked with dark hair. It made her eyes look bluer; more intense. I begged my heart to slow down, but it refused to listen. In fact, I believe it sped up. “I’m not exactly sure why I’m here,” I responded after a moment, leaning back against the chair.

Valerie didn’t respond, but I noticed she’d stopped eating.

“I couldn’t just let you run off like that,” I continued. “A girl needs closure.”

“Closure?” Valerie repeated, her eyebrows raised.

“Yes.” I nodded. “A hundred years from now—” I paused to rethink this. “I’ll be a hundred and twenty and quite possibly dead. Scratch that.” I shrugged. “I just don’t want to look back on this and wonder what-if. I figured that regardless of what happens from here on end, at least I’ll know.”

“And what do you want to happen?” Valerie asked softly.

Uhh… “I’m not sure. What do you want to happen?”

“I don’t know.”

Glad we got that settled.

“Not hungry?” Valerie asked, glancing at my plate.

“I can’t eat when I’m nervous,” I admitted.

She didn’t respond to that. Instead, she stood. “Ready?”

I nodded, and followed her outside. I had no idea where we were exactly, but I assumed that Valerie did. At least, I hoped she did.

“How long are you staying?” Valerie asked.

“As long as it takes,” I responded.

This answer caused her to look at me briefly, then she turned her attention back to the view ahead.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Nowhere in particular,” she responded. “I just like to walk.”

I almost smiled, remembering the night we’d met. I suddenly felt nostalgic.

Since neither of us were talking, I focused instead on the scenery around me. I have one word to describe it all: stores. Granted, that’s not an adjective. But trust me, it applies here. If I’d liked shopping—which I didn’t—I would’ve been in heaven. As it happened though, I merely found it interesting. We passed by countless shops selling everything from leather whips to incense and candles. I lost count of how many Starbucks I saw. Although, we could’ve been going around the same exact block for all I knew. I hated feeling like a tourist.

“What’s your full name?” I found myself asking.

“What?” She seemed taken aback.

I shrugged, keeping my gaze on the ground. “Well, I figured that if we’re starting over, then we may as well redo the introductions.”

Valerie stopped walking. “Start over?”

I turned to face her and somehow managed to meet her gaze. “Would you like to?”

Her eyes studied mine intently. “What are you saying?”

“You. Me. Us. Start over.” I grinned awkwardly. “I thought I was pretty clear.”

Valerie didn’t respond. I had no idea what she was thinking.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy … but I’m willing to give it a shot.”

“Give what a shot?” Valerie asked uncertainly.

“Us,” I responded. “I want to give us a second chance. You know, minus all the lying and deceiving and stuff.”

“Why would you want to do this?”

I locked our gazes. “Because losing you is not an option.”

Instead of responding, she started walking. I sighed, then followed after her. She wasn’t speaking and I had no idea what else to say, so I just walked beside her, wishing for telepathic abilities just so I’d know what she was thinking.

I have no idea how long we walked, but eventually we found ourselves back in Valerie’s apartment. By this time, I was beginning to panic.

“Alix, you shouldn’t be here,” were her first words to me.

I swallowed back my fear. It would’ve been so much easier to just walk out the door and return to the hotel room. I could’ve been back in Florida the next morning, working on ways to write Valerie out of my life forever. Anything would’ve been easier than standing there, facing the possibility of rejection. But stand there I did. “Shouldn’t be where?” I asked her, “In New York, or in your apartment?”

Valerie looked at me sadly. We were both standing in the middle of the living room. She was leaning against the side of the couch. I was staring down at the white carpet, awkwardly contemplating the absence of color. “You shouldn’t have followed me out here,” she said.

“But I did,” I told her.

“Alix, you deserve so much better than what I can give you. You should be with someone … normal.”

“Normal?” I asked, frowning. “Valerie, name one thing that’s normal about me?”

“That’s not the point.”

“So what’s the point?”

Valerie clenched her jaw. “I’m not good for you.”

I shook my head and walked over to her, grabbing her hand. I led her around the couch and sat her down. “Just listen to me for a moment,” I instructed. “Before you came along, I had spent the past 7 years of my life lusting after my straight best friend. That wasn’t good for me. I spent all of that time being totally bitter and angry at the world. I didn’t look at other people. I didn’t go out with other people. I didn’t even think about other people. None of that was good for me.

“But then you came along, and all of a sudden I’m fainting in thunderstorms and jumping on airplanes and riding on elevators. Do you think I would’ve done any of those things if I didn’t think you were worth it?”

She opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out.

“Exactly,” I agreed, as if I’d made my point. I felt quite proud of myself. “So what do you say?”

Valerie stared up at me for a long moment, her face betraying nothing. Finally, she rose to her feet and stretched out her hand. “Valerie Anne Michaels, nice to meet you.”

I grinned brightly, my body flooding with relief. “Alix T. Morris.”

“What’s the ‘T’ stand for?”

I snorted. “It stands for ‘There’s no way in Hell you’re ever going to know.’”

Valerie smiled. “So what happens now?”

“This is where you ask me out on a date.” Wow. New York sure brought out the feistiness in me. I kind of liked it.

“Are you free tomorrow?”

“If you’re lucky.”

Valerie studied me for a moment. “I thought you didn’t flirt?”

“Who says I’m flirting? I’m merely illustrating the stupidity of the question.” I was teasing her and she knew it.

She contemplated my response. “How about we meet here … around two?”

“It’s a date.” I smiled, then headed for the door. “See you then.” I’m not entirely sure if I gave her a chance to say goodnight. I was just feeling overwhelmed, like none of this was really happening. I felt like at any moment I’d wake up and find myself at the airport still waiting for my flight.

Or maybe I’d wake up, days before the wedding, knowing I’d have to drag myself out of bed to go try on bridesmaid dresses with Jessica. And at some point between one pink dress and the other, I’d remember that I’d had a silly dream involving Jessica’s long lost sister. And I’d tell Jessica all about it and she would laugh as she straightened out the large pink bow at the back of the dress and tell me how ridiculous the dream was. And then I’d stand in front of the mirror and think how ridiculous I looked. And it wouldn’t occur to me to realize how ridiculous life is sometimes and how seriously we take it.

Because in spite of everything that had transpired in the past few hours, in the past few days, in the past few weeks … there was only one thought running around in my mind as I headed out of Valerie’s apartment:

I’d have to start counting the dates all over again.

Chapter Three – Valerie

I couldn’t sleep. I kept listening to the DJ on the radio announce song after song, in that resigned, monotone voice reserved for the graveyard shift. I kept glancing at the clock, daring time to pass. The patterns on the ceiling began to form constellations only I could see. I wondered if this was insomnia.

“That was ‘Who’s That Girl’ by Eve from her latest album, Scorpion. I’m DJ Tomas and you’re listening to today’s greatest hits right here on Z98.5. Next we have Aerosmith with their latest single, “Jaded.”

I groaned, pulling a pillow from under my head so I could push it down on my face. When my attempts at suffocating myself failed, I rolled over and turned off the music. “Why did I agree to start over with her?” I asked the air. “It’s never going to work.”

Loki lifted her head, seemingly confused by the silence.

Now that I had her attention, I sat up, leaning back against the mountain of pillows behind me. My brother had a tendency to exaggerate. “She wants to start over,” I explained to the dog, because I could tell that she was greatly interested. For a moment, I could’ve sworn she rolled her eyes. But that couldn’t be. “That means that I have to be totally honest with her about everything.”

Sighing, I pulled the covers over my head. “She’s going to leave me either way. Do I want her to do so knowing all the horrible things I’ve done? Is that how I want her to remember me?” I peered out from under the covers. Loki was pretending to be asleep. “I really need to stop talking to myself.”

I frowned and listened intently for a moment. There it was again. Definitely a knock. “Who the hell…?” I rolled out of bed and grumpily made my way across the apartment, muttering incoherent things under my breath. Loki followed behind me. Apparently a strange visitor in the middle of the night was far more interesting than me. Hmph.

At the door, I hesitated. I didn’t sense any danger, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t any. A part of me was hoping there was some. I hadn’t kicked some ass in while. “Who is it?”

“It’s the bloody Tooth Fairy, open up.”

I rolled my eyes and opened the door. So much for butt-kicking. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Jade entered the apartment and shrugged. “Three? It’s not like you were sleeping any.”

I shut the door and leaned against it. “How do you know I wasn’t sleeping?”

“Just a hunch,” she responded, looking around. “Nice pad.”

“It’s my brother’s,” I answered.

“Doesn’t seem like he was all that tight for money.”

The comment stung for a variety of reasons, none of which I wanted to particularly think about at that moment. So, I decided to change the subject. Or at least, get to the point. “So what can I do for you, Jade?”

“I wanted to make sure we’re even.”

“We’re even.”

Jade nodded, taking a seat on the couch. I hesitated only a moment before sitting across from her on the loveseat. “She’s really intent on making things work out with you two,” Jade told me. “We just want to make sure that she’s not going to get hurt again.”

“We?” I wasn’t entirely sure where this was going but it was starting to sound like something I wouldn’t like.

“Jessica and I.”

“So she sent you here to supervise?” I asked, my jaw tightening.

Jade shook her head. “Look, I want nothing more than to see you and Alix work out.”

“And Jessica? What does she want?”

Jade looked confused for a moment. “She wants to see Alix happy.”

I stood, unable to sit still any longer. “Happy without me.”

“You and I both know that’s not true,” Jade argued, but I could hear the uncertainty in her voice.

Taking a deep breath, I sat back down. “Be honest with me, Jade. Jessica doesn’t want Alix to end up with me. True or false?”

Jade looked away for a moment, then met my gaze. “She doesn’t think you can give her everything she deserves.”

That statement hurt more than I could ever express, but I’d be damned if I’d let Jade know that.

“But she would never do anything to keep the two of you apart,” Jade added. “She trusts Alix’s judgment.” When I didn’t say anything, she continued. “Valerie, I have never seen Alix happier than when the two of you were together. She was like a totally different person. I don’t care what Jessica thinks, the two of you belong together.”

This caught my attention. “So why are you here?”

“Because I need to know that I can trust you not to hurt her again,” Jade answered. “For my own peace of mind. I just need to know you won’t lie to her again.”

“I won’t lie to her again,” I promised, more to myself than to her.

Jade looked relieved. “Good.” She smiled. “I’ll let you get back to not sleeping.” She stood and headed for the door.

“Jade,” I called. “Are you going to tell her that you were involved?”

Jade shook her head. “I’m too much of a coward.” She went to open the door, then paused. “But if you have to tell her, then tell her. No more lies between you guys okay? I’ll deal with the consequences.”

I nodded and watched her leave. Then I headed back to my room, feeling a rush of emotions.

“I can give her all she deserves and more,” I promised to no one but myself. “And more.”

****

At precisely 2:03pm there was a knock at my door. “You sure are punctual,” I said, as I let Alix into the apartment. She was clad in her usual black, though the jeans and the shirt were tighter than usual. No complaints here.

She shrugged, turning around to face me as I closed the door. “Actually, I’ve been standing outside since 1:55, but I thought I’d be fashionably late.”

“Of course,” I agreed, trying not to stare at her. I’m pretty sure I failed. I’m also pretty sure she had no idea how hot she looked in tight clothing.

“What?” she asked, self-consciously. Then she must have noticed where my gaze was directed. “I had a disagreement with the dryer,” she said, by way of explanation. “I told it to keep my clothes nice and baggy, and it decided to shrink-wrap me. But we compromised.”

I cleared my throat. “How’d you compromise?”

“Well, it kept them black.”

“Isn’t that the washer’s job?”

She was thoughtful for a moment, then narrowed her eyes, which seemed greener than usual. “Yes. You’re correct. But I like to pretend we compromised, so just humor me.”

“Damn that dryer,” I said.

She smiled. Then she whirled around and started walking toward the TV in the living room. “Oh my God! I’ve been dying to see this video.”

I followed behind her to see what all the commotion was about. Aerosmith. Duh. I struggled to figure out what she saw in the group but for the life of me …

“Isn’t he hot?”

“He? Steven Tyler?” I took a seat beside her on the couch. I laughed. “You’re kidding right?”

She frowned as she turned to me. “No. Why? Don’t you think he’s gorgeous?”

I arched a brow and turned back to the TV. She had to be joking. “Uh… no? But his daughter’s pretty hot.”

“Nope. He’s hotter.”

I frowned. “You are a lesbian, right?”

She smiled, her gaze glued to the screen. “Sort of.”

“Sort of?” I must have missed this particular subject while we were playing truth or dare on our first date. “What do you mean by sort of?”

“I’ve gotta get this CD today,” she said. Then she realized I asked her a question. “Oh. Well I’m mostly a lesbian.”

“So you’re bi?”

“Sort of.” The song finally ended and I had her attention back. She grinned. “You’re cute when you’re all confused.” She tapped my forehead. “You have like a vein that bulges out right here.”

“I do not!” I argued, swatting her hand away. “Now answer my question.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Why is it important?”

Um… “I guess it’s not,” I said, though I was still curious as hell.

She stood, grabbing my hand. “Come on. Take me somewhere interesting. It’s my first time in the Big Apple.”

I let her pull me to my feet. “Hungry?”

“Always.”

“How do you feel about peanut butter?”

****

“I’m torn between the Elvis and the Fluffernutter,” Alix announced, as she continued to stare up at the menu posted up behind the counter of Peanut Butter & Co.

The girl behind the counter was subtly checking her out and I found myself taking Alix’s hand in a possessive gesture. Fortunately for her, the chick took the hint and disappeared into the kitchen while we decided on our order.

Alix glanced down at our interlocked hands.

So I pretended it was no big deal and focused on the menu. “I think I’ll have the Spicy Peanut Butter.”

Alix glanced up and squinted at the ingredients. “Grilled chicken with peanut butter? You’re a freak.”

“Yes, you’re one to talk,” I teased.

The girl reappeared and gazed at us expectantly.

“Ready?” I asked Alix.

She nodded. “Fluffernutter,” she responded confidently. “And milk.” She started to reach into her pocket to get out some money but I stopped her.

“I’ve got it,” I said.

“Yeah?” She turned back to look at the menu. “Too bad they don’t sell lobster here.”

“Lobster and peanut butter? And you said I was weird.”

She grinned and walked over to look at the items they had for sale.

I turned to the girl and instantly offered her my most charming smile. “I’ll take a Spicy Peanut Butter, a Fluffernutter, and two whole milks.”

“Crunchy or smooth?”

What kind of peanut butter did Alix like? If I turned to ask her it would look like our relationship wasn’t serious enough to call for peanut butter preference knowledge. Then Miss Thang over here might start getting ideas. On the other hand, if I picked the wrong type of peanut butter, Alix would be unhappy with her meal. Not an option. Oh well, it was time for Plan B. “Actually, can I have two Fluffernutters instead? One with crunchy the other with smooth.” There. That should solve the problem.

The girl shook her head but rang up the order. I paid the bill and picked a table in the corner. We were the only people there.

Alix joined me a moment later. “This is a really cute place,” she said, glancing around. “You seem to know New York City pretty well. How long did you live here?”

Q&A time. Here we go. “A little less than two years.”

She nodded, clearly wanting to know more, but afraid to push the subject.

I sat up. “Tell you what,” I said. “I promise to answer all of your questions, if you promise to answer all of mine.”

She nodded. “Deal.”

“Shoot,” I told her, sitting back. Hopefully she’d start with the easy ones first. What’s your favorite car? That sort of thing.

Alix was thoughtful for a second. “Okay. Why did you sleep with me if you knew you were lying to me?”

“Two whole milks.” The girl placed the two cups in front of us. “Your Fluffernutters will be out in a minute.” She winked at Alix and gave me a disapproving look before returning to the kitchen.

Wonderful. “Are you sure you want to discuss this here?” I asked, when I was sure the girl was out of earshot.

She took a drink from her milk. “Sure.”

How did I even begin to explain this? “I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen. I talked myself into doing something I knew was wrong and I’m sorry.” Oh, good one. Tell the girl that you regret sleeping with her. Nice move.

The hurt in Alix’s face was crystal clear.

“Sorry. That came out totally wrong.” I was trying to think back to what I’d been thinking. Truth was, I hadn’t been thinking. “I don’t know why I did it. I just know that I’d never wanted anyone as much as I’d wanted you. It wasn’t about sex. I just wanted to express how I felt about you. No words meant no lies.”

She nodded.

“I really have no way of justifying it,” I admitted. “It was wrong on so many levels but I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d wanted to. Unless you had wanted me to. Then I would’ve stopped, of course.” Shit, now I’m babbling. “I just meant–”

“It’s okay,” Alix interrupted. “I know what you meant.”

Why was it so hot in there? “Okay.”

She smiled, instantly making me feel better. “Your turn.”

Did that mean I answered correctly? This relationship thing was a lot more complicated than I’d imagined it would be. They made it look so easy on TV. “What kind of peanut butter do you prefer? Crunchy or smooth?”

Before Alix had a chance to respond, our delightful hostess appeared beside us, carrying two plates. “Two Fluffernutters,” she announced. She turned to me. “Crunchy or smooth?”

So much for Plan B. Time for Plan C: Deductive reasoning. She likes to wear black all the time. And she thinks Steven Tyler is hot. What does that tell me about peanut butter? Not a damn thing. “Smooth,” I guessed.

The girl put one plate in front of me and the other in front of Alix. “If I can get you anything else, let me know.” Then she walked away.

I turned to Alix, waiting to see if I’d guessed correctly. She was picking up the sandwich. She was biting it. Guess I was right after all. “So you like crunchy better?” I asked casually.

She shrugged. “It’s all the same to me,” she responded. “This is really good. Try the chips.”

All that work and she didn’t even care one way or another. I popped a chip in my mouth. Served me right.

****

“You know she was totally checking you out back there?” I asked casually, because subtlety is my middle name. To express my complete neutrality on the subject, I kept my gaze focused on the sidewalk.

“Hmm?” Alix asked, seemingly distracted by whatever thoughts danced in her head. “Oh, you mean Susan?”

My eyebrows lifted. “Pardon?”

“Girl back at the Peanut Butter place?”

She knew her name? I must have missed something. “Yeah,” I respond carefully.

“Yep, I know.”

Deep, calming breaths. “So, you’re friends?”

Alix laughed. “Hardly.”

I see. “So how did you know her name?”

Alix dug her hand into her pocket and withdrew a small piece of paper. “She gave me her number while you were in the bathroom.” She shrugged and put it back in her pocket.

I wondered if she really planned on keeping that. Worse yet, if she planned on actually dialing the number.

“Where are we headed?”

I looked around for a moment. “Christopher Street? Unless there’s something in particular you want to see?”

“Nope. Lead the way.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes. I wasn’t particularly content about this whole Susan issue. Did Alix want to get back together at all? Did she just want us to be friends and see other people? I wasn’t particularly sure I could handle that particular arrangement. I was having enough trouble keeping myself from turning around and telling off that …

“So, my turn to ask a question.”

I glanced down at Alix. “No it’s not. Our food arrived before you had a chance to answer.”

“Then you asked again, and I answered.”

Fine. If she wanted to play it that way. “But then you asked where we were going and I answered. So technically, it’s my turn.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Cheater.”

I smiled proudly. “So, let’s see.” What did I want to know? Lots of things. “What are the rules?”

“To the question game?”

“No, to our current relationship.”

“Oh.” She looked away before answering. “Well, I figured you and I should figure that out together. I mean, it is ‘our’ relationship.”

Fair enough. “Alright.” Might as well get to the heart of matters. “Are we seeing other people?”

Green eyes met mine. “Do you want to?”

Hell no! “Do you?”

She shrugged, placing her hands in her pockets. “Not particularly.”

I hoped she hadn’t heard the huge sigh of relief that escaped my lips. “Me neither,” I responded, trying not to sound as happy as I felt.

Instead of saying anything, Alix handed me the scrap of paper with the phone number on it.

My eyebrows narrowed in question.

“Well I don’t want it,” she said, by way of explanation.

I smiled, crumpled the paper in my hand, and threw it away in the nearest trashcan. Better luck next time, Susan.

****

“H-O-R.”

“Who you callin’ a whore?” Alix asked.

“You,” I responded simply, dribbling the ball away from her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this bad?”

Alix crossed her arms. “Valerie,” she said, her voice controlled. “I told you on the way to your apartment that I sucked at basketball. Then I told you all the way here. And I told you the first time I lost. Then the second. And even the third. I think you just like the fact that you’re winning.”

I hid a grin. I did like winning. But I much preferred watching the cute look of concentration that passed across Alix’s features right before she made a shot. Granted, she hadn’t gotten the ball in the basket once since we’d arrived at the basketball court, but I was still enjoying myself. “Let’s see if you can make it from here,” I said, mockingly. I stood as close to the basket as I could without being directly under it, and made the shot. I caught the ball as it fell from the net and passed it to Alix.

Resigned, she walked over and stood at the same spot I’d been standing. “I really hate this game. Why is it called ‘HORSE’ anyway? Can’t we spell something cooler?” She bounced the ball a couple of times and stared up at the basket. Then came the concentration look that never seemed to work. Then the shot.

Missed by a mile.

“Ooh, it almost touched the rim that time,” I teased, running to catch the ball before it interrupted someone else’s game.

“Why don’t we go play pool?” she suggested innocently.

I grinned. “H-O-R-S.”

“B-R-A-T.”

“Perhaps,” I conceded. “But at least I’m winning.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But that means you have to buy me dinner.”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, you’ve already destroyed my self-esteem. Do you want to deplete my bank account as well?”

I laughed. “You mean Jessica’s bank account.”

She shrugged, taking a seat in the middle of the court. “Hers. Mine. What’s the difference? We share. She’s like the sister I never had.”

“What about Rachel?” I asked, slightly confused.

She gazed up at me with a smile. “Like I said, she’s like the sister I never had.”

I grinned. “Gotcha.”

Alix looked at her watch for a moment, then leaned back on her arms, staring up at me. “Are you gonna shoot any time soon, or are we camping out here?”

I glanced up at the basketball hoop. I couldn’t very well make the past couple of hours end in a few pointless games of “HORSE”. I sat down across from Alix. “Tell you what. If you make the next basket, I’ll buy you dinner.”

She glanced at me wearily. “And if I don’t make it?”

“Jessica’s treat.” I was pleased to see my smile reciprocated.

“Sounds fair to me,” she said.

I grinned to myself and rose to my feet, looking around the court. Where should I shoot from? Regardless of the spot, I doubted that she’d make it so it wasn’t that big of an issue. But I couldn’t let it seem like I was trying to let her win.

Finally, I decided on the Foul Line. It seemed fair enough. I shot the ball and watched it sail smoothly through the air, ending in a perfect swoosh through the hoop. With a satisfied smile, I glanced at Alix. She was in the process of retrieving the ball. “I think I’ll order lobster,” I was saying, as she passed in front of me to take her place behind the line.

She shook her head and bounced the ball a few times. This time there was no look of concentration. She just let the ball fly. I watched it, suddenly feeling like everything was happening in slow motion. And then the unexpected happened.

She made the shot.

I blinked a few times, unbelieving. Then from somewhere far away I heard three little words:

“Lobster sounds good.”

Chapter Four - Alix

New York was starting to grow on me after only a couple of days and it got me wondering why I’d never considered leaving Florida. The liveliness of the City filled me with more excitement than I had felt in a while. Everywhere I looked something was happening. The most inconsequential things somehow felt important and I tried to take it all in, meanwhile trying to get a grasp of my feelings.

Love was confusing. Women were confusing. How was one supposed to work with both of them together?

“You seem pensive,” Valerie commented, looking down at me.

We were walking down Times Square and I was staring down at the ground instead of up at the pretty lights and billboards. “What do you think about love?” I asked her.

She seemed thrown by the question. “I suppose it’s alright.”

I smiled, my gaze finally rising to look around. Everything was so bright. Baldwin City seemed so far away at that moment. “No, I mean, do you think it can last forever? Or do you think it’s a fleeting thing?”

Valerie was silent for a long moment as she contemplated my question. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting to discuss the meaning of love while walking down the busy sidewalks of Times Square. We passed by MTV studios, its sidewalks now free of screaming teenagers hoping to catch a glance of Carson Daily.

Finally, she looked down at me, a very serious expression on her face. My breath caught, as I waited for her deep and meaningful response. One that was sure to alleviate all my doubts and insecurities. I stared into her eyes as though I could find the most well-kept secrets of life hidden in their depths. Her lips parted and the words poured forth, escaping into the noisy air. “Laser tag.”

I blinked. A few times. Then I voiced my thoughts. “Huh?”

“I think love is like laser tag.”

“Laser tag. Right.” Every time I thought I had this girl figured out she came out with something like laser tag to throw me all the way back to start. Talking to her sometimes felt like an endless game of Sorry!

“Would you like me to explain?”

The twinkle in her eye worried me. “I’m not sure …” Here I’d thought I was the weird one in this relationship.

“I’ll do so anyway. See, to me, love had always been something to avoid. I didn’t mind if someone fell for me .. but falling for someone else was always something I couldn’t handle. It always reminded me of a game of laser tag. Get them before they get me. Hurt them before they hurt me.”

“Oh,” I said, suddenly feeling sad. “Is that why you left? To hurt me before I hurt you?”

“No.”

I grabbed her arm to stop her. I couldn’t have this conversation while walking. “Then?”

Valerie looked uncomfortable. “You know why I left.”

“No,” I said seriously, trying to meet her gaze. “I don’t.”

She was looking anywhere but at me. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve sworn she looked embarrassed. “It hurt too much to stay,” she admitted softly.

Silence. That’s what I heard in spite of all the noise around me. Until that moment it had never occurred to me to wonder how Valerie must have felt about all of this. I’d played up my victim role to full capacity and it was time to let it go. This had never been about me, only I’d been too blind to see that. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, stepping closer to her.

Valerie’s eyes finally focused on mine. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It was all my fault.”

I smiled sadly. “No. No, it wasn’t.” I took her hand. “Come on, let’s go back to your apartment.”

She seemed surprised by the gesture, but didn’t take her hand from mine. In fact, she tightened her hold as we walked back to the subway station.

****

“So,” Valerie said, when we stepped inside the apartment a short while later.

“Why do you think I’m still in love with Jessica?” I asked.

Valerie sank down on the couch, caught off-guard. “Just a feeling.”

I shook my head as I sat across from her. “No. There has to be a reason.”

She sighed. “Whenever we would talk about anything, the subject would always go back to Jessica. It could never be just about us. You always brought her up.”

“It couldn’t be just about us, though,” I explained. “It was more about the two of you than it was about you and me.”

Silence.

“I’d like you to come back to Florida with me,” I said, bracing myself for rejection.

Valerie looked at me, her eyebrows narrowed. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to be apart from you,” I answered, and suddenly wondered if I was asking too much of her again. Was it always to be about me? Did she ever get a choice? “But if you decide to stay here, then I’ll transfer.”

She shook her head. “I would never let you do that.”

“It’s not up to you to decide,” I responded. “I don’t need your permission.”

Valerie stood suddenly, and I was starting to worry that I was freaking her out. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. I’d never asked her what kind of relationship she was prepared for. I was willing to give up anything for her. But was she?

“Alix, what made you come here?” she asked me. “Why would you want another chance with me?”

I wanted to say the words, but I was unable. “Because I want to be with you,” I said instead, feeling like a coward.

Her blue eyes shone with sadness. “If I ask you something do you swear you’ll answer truthfully?”

“I would never lie to you, Valerie,” I told her. “I swear,” I added, in case my previous statement wasn’t enough to convince her.

“When you are with me, do you pretend I am Jessica?” she asked softly.

I was completely floored by the question. It was definitely not one I was expecting. I frowned. “Is that what you really think?”

“Answer the question,” she insisted and I thought she was going to cry.

I shook my head, trying to figure out what would give her such an idea. I was so hurt by the implication. “How can you ask me that?” I asked her.

“Answer the question, Alix!”

I stared at her, then headed for the door. “I will not answer that,” I told her as I turned the handle. “I’m going back to Florida tomorrow. Sorry I wasted your time.” I closed the door behind me as I stepped out into the hallway, feeling completely defeated. I couldn’t decide if I was more hurt or offended or angry. Maybe I was all of them.

Never for a second did I ever think Jessica and Valerie were interchangeable. They were as different as night and day. I couldn’t have pretended one was the other if I tried. It was like someone pretending Rachel was me. Ha! Not even I had that good of an imagination.

But I supposed with Valerie’s insecurities about my feelings for Jessica it was kind of understandable why she would think that.

I paused at the stairs. Maybe I should’ve gone back and talked it over with her. Assured her that I would never think something like that.

But ugh! How insulting that she would consider such a thing.

I continued down the stairs.

Somewhere between the first and second floor, I heard my name being called. I looked up to see Valerie racing down the stairs. She reached me a few moments later. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, gasping slightly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a jerk.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I told her. “I shouldn’t have walked out on you.”

She stretched her hand out to me. “Come back, please?”

I hesitated only a moment before accepting her offer. I was beginning to understand that I had trouble denying her anything. One look into her eyes and all of my anger dissipated. That in itself was annoying. It’s like she was a witch or something. I didn’t completely dismiss that idea. There were a lot of things about Valerie Anne Michaels that I didn’t particularly know.

Back in her apartment we stared at each other in silence. Then finally, I said, “Valerie, I’m not in love with Jessica. And even if I were I would never—”

Valerie stepped forward and placed her finger to my lips. “No. I shouldn’t have even thought to ask you that question. I’m sorry. I just let my paranoia get the best of me.” She walked over to sit on the couch. “I’ve never done this before, Alix. It scares me.”

I sat beside her, turning to face her. “You’ve been in relationships before,” I countered.

She smiled sadly. “I’ve never been in love before.”

My heart skipped a beat at her words. “Neither have I,” I whispered.

Valerie turned to me, her eyes betraying her surprise. “But Jessica—”

I shook my head. “Jessica never felt like this.” I took a deep breath. “Look, Valerie, that day in your apartment when you told me you loved me and I walked out … I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed. No one .. had ever said that to me before. I kind of freaked. When it comes to fight or flight, I generally fly.”

A smile passed her lips. “It’s okay.”

Okay? I shook my head again. “No. No it’s not okay. Because I’m in love with you, Valerie. And I need you to know that. Even if I go back to Florida and you decide to stay here and I never see you again—”

Her kiss drowned my words, stealing my breath away. I couldn’t even remember what I’d been talking about. I’d kissed her before but somehow this felt different. Its sweetness was tinged with an urgency that had never existed before. I thought for sure I was melting.

Valerie pulled away first, looking like a child who’d gotten caught doing something wrong. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to do that. You were saying?”

Did she really expect me to remember? “Who cares? And why are you sorry?”

“I didn’t mean to cross the line.”

“You didn’t,” I assured her. Then I remembered what I’d been talking about. “I wasn’t saying anything important. Just that I love you. But that can wait.”

Valerie smiled. Then a troubled look passed across her features and she turned away.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s something you need to know,” she said. “I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore.”

Uh-oh, I thought. Whatever it was, I was sure I wasn’t going to like it. I tried to prepare myself, but I couldn’t come up with anything.

She took a deep breath. “Jade knew,” she said.

“Jade knew what?” I asked, suddenly confused.

“She knew the whole plan. She helped me. That’s why she took you to Whispers that night. That’s how I knew where you lived.”

I nodded. “I kind of figured.”

Valerie stared at me in surprise. “What?”

“Well, while I was in my fuming, angry stage I started thinking about everything, especially about the night we met. And everything just kind of kept going back to Jade. She wanted me to go to the club. She picked the club. She opened up a conversation with you. She knew I was going to be at Pride Factory, and I doubted it was a coincidence that you ended up there. Then you told me that Jade had been at Whispers earlier and told you where I lived but she doesn’t have a car so there’s no way she could’ve gotten there. Especially not in the middle of the day.”

I shrugged. “It started to make sense. What I couldn’t figure out was why. But then I remembered Jade telling me this story about this girl Valerie that had pretty much saved her from getting raped one night. So all the pieces fit together.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Well, like I said, I was in my fuming, angry stage so I was enraged then. But I figured Jade never meant for things to get that out of hand. Don’t get me wrong, we’re going to have a big talk later, but I keep thinking that if none of this would’ve happened… we would’ve never met. And I’d rather go through this all over again than go the rest of my life without knowing you.” I cringed. “Is that too corny? I’m sorry.”

“You’re amazing,” Valerie commented, her gaze never leaving mine.

“Yeah, I think so.” I smiled. “Any more confessions?”

Valerie paled slightly. “There’s a lot of things about me you don’t know…”

I took her hand. “Then you will tell me .. later. I don’t think I can handle anymore tonight.”

“I keep wondering what I did to deserve you.”

“Maybe you were really good in another life,” I joked.

Valerie laughed. “Thanks.” She looked around for a moment, then cleared her throat. “Do you want to spend the night?”

I arched an eyebrow. “That was subtle.”

“Not like that,” she said, blushing slightly. “Just .. sleep. It’s getting late and I don’t want you leaving at this hour. I don’t really want you leaving, period.”

I glanced at my watch to see what her definition of ‘getting late’ was. Ten o’clock. I’d hate to know what she considered early. “Only on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“You cook me something,” I responded. “I’m starving.”

***

Several hours later, we were lying on her bed. Valerie lent me a pair of boxers and a tee shirt to sleep in. We had two bowls of popcorn between us, one with butter, one without. On the big screen TV, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion was playing. We’d flipped a quarter to see who got to choose the movie. She’d lost.

“Romy or Michelle?” Valerie asked, grabbing a handful of popcorn and stuffing it in her mouth.

I stared at the couple on the screen. Which would I rather sleep with? Hmm. “Lisa Kudrow, definitely.”

“You don’t think Mira Sorvino is cute?”

“No she’s cute too, but I’m loyal to Friends.”

Valerie laughed. “Dork.”

I munched away on some popcorn as I shrugged. “Romy or Heather?”

Valerie considered. “I have a weakness for bitter women. So I’ll go with Jeanine Garofalo. Jennifer Aniston or Steven Tyler?”

“Steven Tyler,” I replied without hesitation. “Catherine Zeta Jones or Jennifer Connelly?”

“Oooh! Tough one. Jennifer. I’m loyal to Labyrinth. How can you possibly choose Steven Tyler over Jennifer Aniston?”

“Easy. He’s yum.”

Valerie cringed. “I worry about you, I really do.”

I laughed at her discomfort.

“Steven Tyler or me?”

I stared at her. “Steven Tyler, of course.” I was rewarded with a handful of sticky popcorn hitting my face. “Thanks.”

“I am officially not speaking to you,” Valerie announced, looking very much like she meant it as she turned her full attention to the movie.

“You asked.”

Valerie continued to eat her popcorn and focus on the movie.

“Fine, be that way.” Two could play at this game.

The movie proceeded along. Fifteen minutes of silence went by before Valerie spoke. “Is it cause you’d rather be with a guy than a girl?”

I nearly choked on the mouthful of popcorn. I grabbed for the Dr Pepper on the nightstand. “Huh?”

“Do you like guys more than girls?” she asked, quite seriously.

For someone who appeared so self-assured, Valerie was sure insecure about the oddest things. “No I don’t like guys more than girls. In fact, I don’t really like guys. Only Steven, and only because he’s my idol. It’s more about admiration than sexual attraction.”

“But you’d rather sleep with him than me,” she protested, almost pouting.

Laughing, I kissed her cheek. “I was just kidding, you dinkus. I would never choose anyone over you. And I wouldn’t choose him over Jennifer Aniston either. I’d have to be insane.”

“So you’d never pick someone over me?”

“Nope.”

“Good to know.” She appeared mighty proud of herself.

“Jennifer Connelly or me?”

Her mouth dropped. “That’s not fair. You can’t ask me to betray my loyalty.”

I laughed. “Alright, I’ll put it this way. Say you were in a room with the two of us and you had to pick one and the other wouldn’t know that you chose the other over them. Which would you pick? It’s okay. I won’t be offended.”

“Okay, one moment.” Valerie closed her eyes, appearing deep in concentration.

I continued to eat my popcorn as I waited.

Finally, she said, “You.”

“You’re just saying that to be nice.”

“Nope. I’d pick you.”

“Ahuh. And why?”

She grinned. “Cause believe it or not, you’re hotter.”

I snorted. “Good one.”

Valerie grabbed my hand, pulling me up from the bed. I nearly knocked all the popcorn over on the bed. “Come on.”

She led me to the full-length mirror in the closet and stood behind me as I contemplated my reflection. “Explain?”

Valerie simply motioned to the mirror. “What do you see?”

“You and me,” I answered. “Do the questions get harder as we go along?”

“I’m serious.” She turned me around to face her. “What do you see when you look at me?”

That was easy. “I see the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth.” I meant that too. Jennifer Aniston had nothing on this girl.

“Why thank you,” she said, turning me back around. “Now what do you see when you look at yourself?”

“I see me standing in front of the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth.”

“You’re gorgeous, Alix.”

Shrugging, I said, “I’m okay.”

“Gorgeous, yet frustrating.”

“I like to present a challenge,” I replied, smiling. I turned back to my reflection. I supposed I wasn’t a complete ogre. In the right light, I even looked semi-human.

Smiling, I joined Valerie back on the bed. “So what are we doing tomorrow?”

“Packing.”

I was confused. “Pardon?”

“We’re going back to Florida.”

Chapter Five – Valerie

So my plan to leave everything behind went full-circle and landed me right back where I started and I wasn’t entirely certain how that had occurred. There were many things over the past few weeks that I couldn’t quite explain. Like when did awkward silences give way to endless conversations? And how did ‘I had a nice time’ suddenly start meaning ‘I love you’? I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment where dull aches turned into a searing pain at the thought of never being with her, yet looking back I can’t recall what it was like when I didn’t know her. Strange, that.

The clouds outside of the airplane window stretched out endlessly in a playground of possibilities. I wondered what it was about the sky that made everything seem possible. Perhaps the lack of boundaries, the presence of illusion that made the clouds appear more solid than they were. That’s how I’d once imagined love to be, an illusion.

I glanced over at the slumbering form beside me and felt the skip of my heart at the mere sight of her. It was unnerving yet exciting and I thought again of the tattoo on my skin and how I’d failed at living by its example. I’d thought myself strong for avoiding the weakening grasp love always seemed to have on those unlucky enough to fall for it s deceiving allure. But now I saw myself as far more of a coward for running from the fear of heartbreak. Facing it was, by far, the greater challenge. I just hoped I was a strong enough candidate for the job.

Alix stirred in the seat, her green eyes slowly opening. “Was I snoring?” she asked with concern.

“Yes, ” I lied. “For a while I thought it was the engine. I thought for sure we were going to crash.”

She slapped my arm. “Not funny.”

I rubbed away the tingle her touch had left on my arm, pretending instead that she had hurt me with her sad attempt at inflicting pain. “Sleep well?”

“I always sleep like a baby on planes,” she responded with a yawn. “I don’t know why I’m so sleepy.”

“Perhaps because you were up all night watching movies?” I suggested casually.

“Perhaps. But I think it had more to do with the fact that you kept kicking me.”

“Me kick you?” I cried, shocked that she would have the audacity to suggest such a thing. “Do you want to see the bruises on my leg? You were probably a donkey in another life.”

“Do donkeys kick?” she asked, the original argument momentarily forgotten.

Jade leaned forward in her seat beside Alix. “Rabbits kick hard.”

I sent her a questioning glance, that was voiced when Alix said, “What the hell?”

“A rabbit kicked me really hard once!” Jade argued, rubbing a spot on her chin.

Alix frowned. “I don’t want to know why the rabbit was close enough to kick you in the chin.”

“It’s a complicated story,” Jade stated simply. “Your simple minds would never comprehend.”

“Thank God,” Alix mumbled.

“I finished my Booty Bird poem last night,” Jade remarked proudly. “Want to hear it?”

“Dear God no,” Alix said quickly.

Jade leaned forward so she could see me. “Val?”

Alix sent me a pleading look which was far too cute to refuse. “Ah, maybe later, Jade,” I told her.

Jade sat back, resigned. “Well fine. But when it becomes a hit song and I’m rich and famous you’ll both be sorry.”

“I’ll take my chances.” Alix put on her headphones and started pressing buttons on her Discman. I guessed she was listening to the new Aerosmith CD she’d picked up at the last minute. I was surprised there was one she hadn’t yet owned.

Jade followed Alix’s example and put on her headphones as well.

Bored, I turned once again to the view from my window. Such pretty patterns hovering over nothingness, breaking apart, breaking free of themselves and drifting nowhere. I contemplated the designs, attempting to find meaning in the meaningless forms floating with slow progression. I wondered briefly if clouds had any sense of self and if, like us, they basked in overrated self-glory. Did they realize they were going in circles? Did we?

I took Alix’s hand in mine, amazed as always by the softness of her skin. Then I settled back in the seat and closed my eyes, succumbing to the safety and comfort her touch provided.

***

We arrived at MIA shortly thereafter, and I was surprised to find Jessica waiting for us at the gate. Her presence made me feel terribly uneasy. I felt better when I saw that she looked equally surprised to see me walk out behind Alix.

The two of them hugged, and I stood by awkwardly, looking around as though strangers walking about were the most interesting thing in the world.

“I guess the mission was a success,” Jessica commented, glancing at me. I couldn’t determine how she felt about the fact, but she seemed pleased that Alix was back.

It was then I remembered my hair, and felt suddenly self-conscious. It was an irritating feeling, one that left me feeling more angry than annoyed. Why should I feel embarrassed? But the feeling remained even after we left the gate and stood by the carousel awaiting our bags. If this persisted, I was going to be forced to do something drastic. I could shave it all off, for instance. I was sure that at least Jade would support my decision.

“Catch my bag if it comes around,” Alix said to me. “I’ve gotta run to the little nun’s room.”

Jade followed suit, leaving Jessica and I alone.

I tried not to clear my throat or make any other sound that would give away my discomfort. I tried instead to busy my head with plans of action. Like how I was going to get a car now that I’d sold the other one, for instance. I stared pleadingly at the line of bags cruising by, hoping one of them would turn into one of ours so that I would have something else to do besides stand there in unbearable silence.

“So,” Jessica said, “What made you come back?”

“I’m sure you know the answer to that,” I replied.

She nodded. “Good reason.”

“Yes, she is,” I agreed, wondering if this was going anywhere or if she just wanted to kill time until Alix and Jade returned.

“They left on purpose,” Jessica informed me, looking over at me with her usual cool expression.

Reflexively, I glanced in the direction they had left. “How do you know?”

“Because Alix only says ‘little nun’s room’ when she’s up to something.”

“Good to know,” I replied, slightly jealous that Jessica should know something about Alix that I didn’t. Reminding myself that they’d been best friends for years didn’t make me feel any better. I had to get over this. “So what do you suppose she’s up to?”

“This,” Jessica answered simply. “Us talking.”

“Oh,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

Jessica turned to me, regarding me with a serious expression. “What would you be willing to give for Alix?”

“I’m sorry?” I asked. Did she want me to trade her for something? I was confused.

“Alix’s happiness, how much is that worth to you?”

“Are you trying to buy me off again?” I asked, feeling my rage rising.

To my surprise, Jessica laughed. “Calm down,” she said and her voice wasn’t mocking so I did. A little. “I’m asking you if Alix’s happiness is enough to make you forsake your pride?”

I wasn’t entirely sure where she was going with this, but I knew the answer to the question. “I would give anything to ensure Alix’s happiness.”

Jessica nodded, seemingly pleased. “So would I.”

“I know,” I told her, knowing it to be so.

She studied me quietly for a moment, then asked, “Will you join me for lunch tomorrow?”

Her invitation shocked me, but I willed it not to show. “Will Alix be there?”

“No. Just the two of us.”

I mauled the idea over in my head. Then I thought of her question about me forsaking my pride and I instantly knew why she asked. “What time?”

“One. Is Chili’s okay with you?”

“Fine. If I can get there. I sold my car before I left.” I have no idea why I told her that.

“I’ll pick you up then.” She seemed to debate something over in her head, then asked, “Do you have a place to stay?”

“I’ll be at the same apartment,” I replied, thankful that I didn’t have to lie. I’d never needed anyone before and I wasn’t about to start asking Jessica Heart for favors.

She nodded and said, “I’ll pick you up at one then. Here they come. Act as if we’ve been standing here in silence the whole time.”

I resumed my award winning brooding look just in time to see Alix and Jade round the corner. Jade carried a bag in one hand from a recent purchase. Alix carried a matching one.

“Bathroom having a sale?” I asked.

“Yes,” Alix responded. “Toilet paper … hand soap … you name it. Quite the bargains too.”

“Sorry I missed it.” I smiled at her.

She smiled back, instantly making me forget that Jessica and Jade were both there, watching our interplay with disguised interest. “I’m sure you can still catch it,” she replied.

I nodded to the bag. “So what’d you buy me? Toilet paper or hand soap?”

“Neither.” She handed the bag over. “Enjoy.”

Inside was a magazine with Catherine Zeta Jones on the cover. “Oooh…. Purdy,” I said, petting the picture.

That’s when I remembered that Jessica and Jade were still there.

***

I never thought I would miss Florida but the moment I caught sight of the ocean, I knew it felt good to be back. So far it had been an overly productive day. I’d returned from New York, gotten my apartment back, gotten my old job back, and last but not least … I’d made a lunch date with Jessica.

Who knew one could accomplish so many things in the course of a few hours? I still didn’t have a car but that was something better left until tomorrow. For now I was content to sit on the sand and stare at the rapidly darkening waters of the Atlantic.

“Guess I’ll have to add this to my list of places to find you.”

I smiled at the voice and turned to find Alix walking toward me. “How did you know I would be here?” I asked, pleasantly surprised. We’d parted ways a few hours prior with no plans for the remainder of the night.

She took a seat beside me and stared straight ahead. “I didn’t. I was on my way back to my car when I saw you sitting here. Lucky for me you’re pretty easy to spot.”

“Lucky for me too,” I said, feeling happy all of a sudden. We sat there quietly for a few minutes, enjoying the cool breeze blowing in from the ocean and reveling in the beauty of sunsets. But I was curious, so I broke the silence. “So, what brings you by?”

“Few things,” Alix said. “First of all, I wanted to know if you were okay… being back and all?”

I shrugged, then leaned back on my elbows. “Aside from not having a car, everything’s good. I got my job back at Whispers.”

“I was worried about how much you gave up before you left here,” she said, a bit shyly. “I didn’t want you to be homeless or something.”

Her concern made me smile. “I wouldn’t have returned then.”

She nodded. “What are you going to do about getting a car?”

“Don’t know yet,” I admitted. “I suppose I can buy one. I’ll be working more hours at Whispers now that I won’t be going to school part-time.”

This caught her attention and she looked at me with concern. “You dropped out?”

“I don’t really have the time right now.”

She frowned at this. “You should always make time to do something you love.”

“I’ll still be painting,” I assured her. “Just can’t deal with school right now. Maybe next semester.”

Alix nodded and absently played with the sand. I could tell she was attempting to find the courage to say something. Finally, she asked, “Are you still considering Baldwin?”

Her question surprised me. I hadn’t thought about it in a while. It had been a nice thought … but it had never been one I’d honestly expected to go through with. “I don’t know,” I told her. It was my turn to hesitate. “I suppose it would be up to you.”

“Up to me?” she asked in confusion, the sand momentarily forgotten. “Why up to me?”

“Because I don’t know if you would still want me to go there,” I explained. The last thing I wanted was for Alix to think I was trying to suffocate her. I didn’t want to seem clingy.

“I would love for you to go there!” she said, and her voice carried with it such resolve that I found myself smiling.

“Then I guess I’m still considering it,” I told her.

“Good,” she replied, then resumed playing with the sand. After a few moments of silence she said, “The other reason I came by was to ask a strange favor of you.”

My eyebrows rose at the comment. “Alright?”

She appeared a bit embarrassed as she turned to address me directly, but her embarrassment was not enough to conceal her excitement. “I got a call from my agent about this audition that’s coming up in a few weeks. It’s for a film set in Miami. Anyway, the lead role is a girl who’s a martial artist and they are looking for someone who already has some knowledge in the area. So I was wondering if … uh …” She trailed off momentarily. “If you could help train me,” she finished quickly.

That was probably the last thing I’d expected to hear, but I welcomed the surprise. “Sounds like a great opportunity,” I told her.

She stared at me expectantly.

I almost laugh at the look on her face. “Of course I’ll help you,” I told her. “I’d be honored to. Just remember to thank me when you’re accepting your first Academy Award.”

She laughed and hugged me tightly. And I knew at that moment that she could’ve asked for my left arm and I would’ve gladly given it to her.

***

“So what’s good here?” I asked, looking down at the Chili’s menu. True to her word, Jessica had picked me up at precisely one o’clock. I’d been surprised to see that she drove a red Camaro. For some reason I’d expected a Ferrari or Lamborghini or even a limousine. I doubted I’d ever understand this woman.

“I always get the chicken fajitas,” Jessica answered. “But besides that, I have no idea.”

“Alrighty then,” I said, scanning the contents on the menu for something that looked appealing. Truth be told, my stomach was in so many knots I doubted very much I’d be able to eat anything I ordered. After much debating, I finally settled on a salad. I wasn’t sure which one. I just pointed to something on the list when the waitress came to take the order. It was only when she asked what kind of dressing I wanted that I realized it was a salad.

When we were once again alone, I struggled to think of something to say. Finally, I settled on speaking what was on my mind. “Why did you ask me to lunch?”

Jessica sat back in the chair, as if my question required deep contemplation. After a few seconds she said, “I’m not sure,” she said. The way she said it made it seem like a confession. And I supposed it was on some level.

“Jade spoke to me already about hurting Alix, if that’s what you wanted to talk about,” I told her.

Jessica shook her head. “I know you won’t hurt her.”

“Oh?” I asked, surprised that she could sound so certain of something that even I wasn’t altogether sure of.

“You came back,” she said simply. “I didn’t think you would.”

“Alix is hard to resist,” I told her with a shrug. I looked down, feigning interest in the pattern of the tiles. “I only left because—” I stopped abruptly, remembering who I was talking to. I had no intention of opening up to her.

“It’s hard for you, isn’t it?” Jessica inquired.

“What is?” I asked, avoiding her gaze.

“Seeing me as a human being,” Jessica replied sadly.

Her tone forced me to look up at her. “No,” I said. “What’s hard is wanting to hate you and not being sure why.”

“It wasn’t my fault,” she stated, and the way she halted slightly between words made me realize that it had taken her a long time to come to terms with that fact.

I suddenly felt ashamed to realize that I hadn’t made that much progress. I blamed her for something that had been completely out of her control. What was I jealous of exactly? “I know,” I said, surprised that I found myself speaking. “Maybe I have trouble accepting that sometimes… but I do know it.”

She nodded, suddenly at a loss. “I’m not entirely sure where to go on from here,” she admitted. “When Alix told me you’d left, I was selfishly glad that I wouldn’t have to deal with this issue. I could just pretend it had never happened. Denial is easier.”

I nodded, not wanting to interrupt incase there was more she wanted to say.

“But then I saw how sad Alix looked and how determined she was to find you and I was torn between wishing to never see you again and hoping you’d change your mind and come bursting through the door.” She sighed. “I’m glad you came back.”

“For Alix?” I guessed.

She nodded. “Mostly,” she agreed. Then she shrugged. “But I think for me, too.”

I absorbed this information quietly, unsure of what it meant exactly, but willing to give whatever it was a try. “Can I ask you something? And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Go ahead.”

“You said at the airport that you would give anything for Alix’s happiness. You knew she was in love with you. Why didn’t you …” I left the rest hang in the air. I hoped she got my meaning.

“Because I’m not good enough for her,” she responded easily.

“So you do love her,” I said, my heart sinking slightly.

“Very much so,” she admitted. “But some things are just not meant to be.”

I sat back in the chair, feeling defeated. If Jessica didn’t find herself worthy of Alix, then why should I? Perhaps I should’ve stayed in New York after all. Allowed Alix to get on with her life, find someone who deserved her love.

“Whatever you’re thinking, please stop,” Jessica commented. “You look seriously pained at the moment. Look, I wasn’t trying to imply that you’re not good enough for her. That’s not why I said that.”

“So, do you think I’m good enough for her?” I asked, locking our gazes.

She smiled. “I don’t think I’ll ever think anyone is good enough for her,” she said. “But she seems to think you’re worth dropping everything for… and that’s good enough for me.”

Our food arrived then, interrupting the flow of conversation. I was pleased to note that my appetite had returned and the salad before me looked mighty tasty. I glanced at Jessica who was busy assembling her fajita. It looked like quite the process.

At some point during the course of our meal, I found myself asking, “Were you surprised that she forgave me?”

Jessica looked up from her food, an amused expression on her face. “Frustrated, yes. But not surprised. I knew she’d forgive you.”

“How did you know that?”

“Because she forgave me.”

I was starting to feel like a conversation with Jessica was a game of twenty questions. Why couldn’t she answer something directly? “What did you do that required her forgiveness?”

A sad expression fell over her features. “You can ask her to tell you the story. I don’t want to get into it.”

I left it at that, returning to my salad.

“Halloween is coming up next week,” Jessica said casually.

I realized then that she was testing me. “So what are you getting her?”

“What am I getting whom?” she asked innocently.

“Alix for her birthday,” I clarified, though she knew exactly what I meant.

Jessica smiled. “Good. You know when her birthday is. That’s always a good sign.”

For a moment I thought she was patronizing me, but then I realized she was merely joking around. I relaxed a bit.

“I’m throwing her a surprise birthday party this weekend, if you’re interested in assisting me.”

“Count me in.” If it involved Alix, I was gladly there.

“Cool,” Jessica said.

The word seemed so strange coming from her lips that I found myself laughing. I almost stopped myself … but didn’t. From here on end everything would be different. I would be different. And change would start here. Right now.

Chapter Six - Alix

My fingers played absently with the ring in my hands. The maze design stared up at me in a mocking fashion, reminding me of all the twists and turns my life had taken recently. I wondered if perhaps that was why Valerie liked the movie so much. Maybe she sometimes felt trapped in a labyrinth she couldn’t escape from.

Or maybe she just had the hots for Jennifer Connelly. One or the other.

I lifted my head and stared straight ahead at the ocean beyond the balcony of Jessica’s bedroom. I’d been waiting for her for over an hour and no one seemed to know where she was. Or at least, whom she was with.

“Alix?”

I turned around, quickly placing the ring in my pocket. I don’t know why it was that I didn’t want Jessica to see it. “Hey, Jess,” I greeted her, stepping into the room. “I came to see if you wanted to get lunch.”

Jessica looked uncomfortable for whatever reason. “Ah, no thanks. I just ate.”

“Yeah, they told me you were out to lunch.”

“Oh. So why are you still here?” For some reason she kept staring at the floor.

“Since when do I need a reason to be here?” I asked, feeling slightly hurt.

Jessica looked up at that moment and her eyes softened. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Were you waiting long?” She walked over to the closet and turned on the light. Then disappeared inside.

I leaned against the back of the couch. “About an hour or so,” I called after her. “Where were you, anyway? No one would tell me.”

“Lunch,” she answered, from somewhere in the closet.

“I believe we established that,” I reminded her. “With whom were you dining?”

There was a long pause, then, “Uh, Mathew.”

I frowned at the answer, knowing it to be a lie. Mathew had been the one to tell me that Jessica was out to lunch. Then he’d left for class. Now why would Jessica lie? “Oh really?” I asked, playing along. “Where did you guys go?”

Jessica reappeared at the doorway and turned the light off. She’d changed into a pair of light blue jeans and a white shirt. “We went to Chili’s.”

“Ah. That’s nice that after all of these years of marriage you guys still take time to eat lunch together,” I told her.

She smiled, but I could tell she seemed trouble. Jessica was a horrible liar. Even if I hadn’t spoken to Mathew earlier, I would’ve known there was something terribly wrong with this picture. I sincerely hoped Jessica wasn’t having an affair already. It had only been a few weeks. “Yeah,” she agreed, walking past me on her way to the balcony.

I followed close behind. “Especially since Mathew would’ve had to skip one of his classes to join you,” I continued. “That was mighty sweet of him.”

Jessica avoided my gaze at all costs as she took a seat on one of the lounge chairs. “Yeah,” she said, then must have realized she’d already used that one and added, “It was.”

I didn’t say anything for a few seconds, hoping she’d come to her senses or at least come up with a better lie than that. But she didn’t say anything. I rolled my eyes as I sat across from her. “Oh come on, Jessica,” I told her. “I know you weren’t out to lunch with Mathew because he was the one that told me where you were in the first place. And then he scampered off to class.”

Jessica nodded, resigned. “Valerie,” she said.

I looked around. “Where?” Then I realized. “You had lunch with Valerie?”

“Yep.”

“Huh,” I said, sitting back. “That’s interesting. She didn’t tell me.” Then I remembered how Jessica had lied about it and I figured that neither of them wanted to admit they didn’t completely hate each other. I kept myself from smiling somehow. “Well thanks for telling me. For a moment I was starting to think you were cheating on Mathew.”

Jessica laughed at that. “It’s nice to know you think so highly of me,” she said. “I would never do that.”

She said the last part more seriously than she probably intended. “Well I don’t know, Jess,” I said. “Maybe married life was finally getting to you. The pressures of living with the same person day in and day out, waking up next to them every morning …” Actually, that didn’t sound particularly bad. I wouldn’t mind waking up to Valerie every morning.

“Al, you trailed off there,” Jessica informed me. “You okay?”

I attempted to backtrack through my thoughts. What the hell had I been talking about? “Uh, yeah I’m fine,” I assured her. “Perhaps I’m getting Alzheimer’s at the age of twenty.”

“Almost twenty-one,” she reminded me.

Oh, right. It was a good thing there were people around who remembered such things as my birthday. I could always remember everyone else’s but mine always seemed to slip my mind. Perhaps I was still in denial that I’d been born at all. “I’m going to have a burial service for my fake ID.”

“I’ll make the invitations.”

“Thanks. So, what are you doing for dinner?” I asked.

“Eating most likely,” Jessica answered.

“Wanna double?” Actually, I wasn’t entirely sure I could double, seeing as I hadn’t spoken to Valerie since the day before. But I was pretty sure she was off work and anyway the girl had to eat.

Jessica thought it over, probably trying to decide whether or not she felt like spending two consecutive meals with Valerie. Finally, she shrugged. “I’ll run it by Mathew.”

I stood. “Very well then. I’ll go run it by Valerie.”

***

“Well, the first thing we gotta do,” Valerie was saying, “is get you to start running.” We were in her apartment, sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. Since there was nothing on, we’d started talking about the training.

I stared at her, mouth agape. “Run? Me, run? Uh-uh. No way, Jose. I’ll do those things where you jump around flailing your arms in the air-”

“Jumping Jacks?”

“Whatever. And I’ll do the push-up thingies. I’ll even lift a weight or two. But I will not run.” I crossed my arms against my chest to further prove my point.

Valerie studied me for a moment as if trying to evaluate how serious I was. “Do you want this part or not?” she asked me, quite seriously.

“Yes,” I admitted, guessing what was coming.

“Then you’ve gotta run,” she told me. “But if it makes you feel better, I’m running with you.”

This could be interesting. “Really?”

“Yeah, I should start exercising again,” she said simply. “I can’t let myself get out of shape. Especially if I want to start teaching again.”

I looked at her in surprise. “Teach?”

She nodded and smiled. “Yeah, ever since you asked me to train you I started thinking about maybe going back to teaching Karate or Tae Kwon Do. I did it for a while in New York when I lived there and it was great.”

“Sounds excellent,” I told her, thinking it a great idea. “You must be really good, then.” We’d never really talked about her martial arts abilities. It somehow seemed interconnected with a past she appeared more than a little hesitant to talk about. But I was so incredibly curious to know everything about her.

Valerie didn’t say anything, she simply shrugged and let the comment slide.

I decided to press on. “So, you could like, kick someone’s ass, right?”

She grinned crookedly as she turned her head to look at me. Her blue eyes shone with amusement. “Yes, I can.”

I nodded. “Could you kill someone?”

Her amusement vanished instantly and she turned her head away. Her gaze was focused on the TV but she seemed to be looking through it. “Yeah,” she replied softly.

Uh-oh. I had stumbled upon a soft spot apparently. Common sense told me to drop the subject. That she would reveal things at her own pace. But at the rate we were going, I didn’t see it happening any time soon. Curiosity killed the cat, I told myself. I hoped I had an extra eight lives to spare. “Have you ever killed someone?” It seemed surreal that I should be asking someone that question, least of all my girlfriend. But with Valerie, nothing really seemed out of the realm of possibility.

Valerie froze beside me. Slowly, she turned to face me. Her eyes were sad and distant. She wore an expression I don’t remember seeing on her before and it tore my heart to shreds. I instantly regretted asking the question. Not because I feared the answer, but because the look of pain on her face was unbearable.

I took her hand in mine, just so she’d know I wasn’t going to bolt on her.

She seemed momentarily thrown by the gesture and she stared down at our hands for a long moment before responding. When her gaze finally met with mine, she looked more like herself, though there was a tinge of regret in her tone. “Yes,” she finally replied. “I have.”

I simply nodded, not knowing how else to respond.

Valerie let go of my hand and sighed. “You can go if you want.”

“Go?” I asked, not sure what she meant.

“Who wants a murderer for a girlfriend,” she responded sadly.

Phrasing it that way sure put things in perspective. I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about the revelation. I couldn’t say I was particularly surprised. Nothing shocked me anymore. “We are not defined by our past mistakes,” I told her.

“Sometime we should be,” Valerie said sadly.

“Want to tell me what happened?”

“Not really,” she answered. “But I will anyway. You deserve to know who you’re with.”

She paused as if to collect her thoughts, then continued. “Well like I told you before, my mom left when I was thirteen and that sealed my fate. My dad went off the deep end of misery. I always came home expecting to find him dead. He decided to drag out suicide, though, I suppose, and just started drinking constantly. So he was pretty much useless as a father. Aaron was ten at the time and he was already mixing with the wrong crowd. We didn’t live in the best of neighborhoods, so you were either in with the wrong crowd, or dead somewhere. Sometimes there are no in-betweens. By then all the money my parents had gotten from Jessica’s was gone.

“When I was fourteen I met Chris. She adopted me in a way. Aaron too. So I worked for her, selling drugs at the schools. My dad had me enrolled me in a martial arts school when I was four. I think that was the only ‘fatherly’ duty he ever really performed. Anyway, I got into a fight with some kids who didn’t want to pay, and Chris watched me beat them all to the ground. She was impressed and hooked me up with a friend of hers who gave me private lessons. I didn’t realize it then, but she wanted to use my skills to her advantage.

“There was this man, he went by the name of Jake, but I doubt that was his real name. Anyway, this Jake guy owed Chris a lot of money. And he had it, too, which is what pissed Chris off the most. She hated being taken advantage of. So she sent me after him. I beat him until he told me where the money was. I got the money, and brought it back to Chris. But she wasn’t satisfied. She wanted to teach him a lesson. So she sent me back to him, this time to kill him.” She paused in her tale, her eyes watering. She shut her eyes, pushing the tears away. When she opened them again, she sighed.

“I was only sixteen. I didn’t know what I was doing. Jake learned his lesson the first time and had a bunch of his men standing around with guns, protecting him. I couldn’t bare the thought of disappointing Chris, though. I owed her everything. She took care of both Aaron and I. So, I knocked down all the guys. They were just a bunch of idiots with guns. I shot them all. Jake was the last one. He never saw it coming.” She fell silent for a moment, then said, “That was the abridged version.”

I listened to the entire story, picturing it all in my mind like a movie. Sometimes I felt like Valerie’s life seemed more fictional when she told the truth than when she lied about it. “So what happened then?” I was curious to know what caused her to get from there to here. Clearly she wasn’t the same person she was then. I couldn’t imagine this Valerie killing people in cold blood.

“Well, Chris was so pleased with my work that she started sending me off in more and more adventures. By the time I was seventeen it all got to me. I found myself with a gun pointed at a girl, not much older than myself and I couldn’t pull the trigger. I saw myself in her eyes. The fear and the repulsion. I dropped the gun at her feet, daring her to use it on me instead. She just turned at ran. And I went back to Chris and announced my resignation. Aaron refused to leave, though. He was fourteen and had already found his niche dealing with computers.”

“Chris let you go that easily?” I asked, unable to keep my mouth shut.

Valerie smiled bitterly. “She didn’t have a choice. I’d gone a bit mad at this point. I was on the verge of losing it. I threatened to go to the police. I threatened to kill her and anyone else who dared cross my path. She knew I would, too. In that frame of mind, I would’ve done many crazy things. Not that I hadn’t already. I let her keep Aaron, one of my many mistakes. I will never forgive myself for leaving him there. But I was mad at him, too, for not wanting to leave with me. So I walked off. I ended up in New York City.”

“Interesting,” I found myself saying. Well, it was.

“You make it seem like I just told you a story from a book or something.”

“Kind of seems that way,” I admitted. “I believe you, of course,” I assured her quickly. “It’s just a reality so far from my own that it somehow seems like fiction.”

Valerie nodded sadly. “I’m guessing once it dawns on you that all of that was real, you’ll never want to see me again.”

“No,” I said sternly, frowning slightly. “I promise you that won’t happen.” I hoped she believed me. “So how long has it been since you spoke to your father?”

Valerie smiled, the first real smile I’d seen on her since we’d started this conversation. “I talk to him all the time. After I got my act together I went back to Boston for a month to see how he was doing. I was shocked to find he’d pulled himself together and was doing fine. We keep in touch. Email .. or sometimes I call him, or he calls me.”

This news made me happy and I smiled back at her. “That’s really good to know,” I told her, taking her hand once again. “Thank you for telling me everything.”

“I promised you I would answer all of your questions,” Valerie replied. “My fear is that one of these days you’ll here an answer you can’t handle.”

I laughed. “I can handle anything.”

“I hope so,” Valerie said seriously and seemed to relax. “My turn to ask you