So, where were we, my friends? Ah. Right. Julia Aparicio’s villainous plan to get Mariana and Armando to agree on a polyamorous relationship worked out exactly as she’d hoped. And she didn’t even need the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads!

Soon, she will return to her evil lair to cross “get a lesbian and a sex addict to agree that sharing me with each other is a fabulous idea” off her bucket list.

But first, it’s time to lay some ground rules. Since Julia took Alma’s workshop, she’s now an expert on the subject of trios and the like and will tell us how it’s done.

Julia Aparicio’s Rules to a Healthy & Happy Polyamorous Relationship:

1. All three parties must spend lots of time together.

2. They must all get to know each other really well.

3. They must develop trust and tolerance.

4. They must learn to deal with situations and things that would normally not be tolerated. For example: jealousy over seeing her with the other.

Doesn’t that sound fun? Mariana wants to jump out of a window right about now. But Armando’s warming up to the idea.

Armando: Why don’t you two kiss and I’ll tell you how it makes me feel.

Mariana: Oh calm down. This isn’t Lesbian Paradise 4.

But Armando didn’t mean it to be creepy, no, he meant it seriously and Julia is on board because pretty much anything that happens from here on works out really well for her.

Julia: We have to start somewhere and we have to start now.

Sigh. Thirty more episodes of this. Just thirty more episodes. We can do it.

Mariana: I can’t. I think I’m going to go.

Julia: Mariana, no. You can’t leave. We have to try. Don’t go.

Run away, Mariana! Shield your eyes from the nefarious powers of the Red Bow of Doom and dash for the door. I will distract it with holy water. Okay, I have no holy water. I will distract it with holy vodka.

Alas, Mariana doesn’t leave. Instead they just get really drunk and start working on the Share-an-Aparicio schedule. Armando wants the weekends.

Mariana doesn’t think that’s fair and they argue back and forth about who gets Saturday and who gets mornings and who gets nights and finally Julia yells at them to shut up because she can’t concentrate on whatever it is she’s writing down. Probably a letter to herself detailing the many ways she is special.

Armando suggests they flip a coin, because that’s how all matters of the heart and of girlfriend-sharing should be solved.

Mercifully, we’re whisked away from this madness and into the next day. Mariana and Julia are wrapping up some food they’ve prepared for the cafeteria at the Atelier.

They’re running late but Julia tells Mariana not to worry because Armando’s on his way to help and he’ll carry everything to the car because that’s what men are good for.

Mariana: Hey, hey, hey. I don’t need a man.

Julia: It was a joke. Can’t you laugh? It’s funny.

Mariana: I am also very strong.

Aaaaaand party’s over.

Julia tells Armando to help carry the food to the car and leaves him momentarily alone with Mariana. That’s long enough for him to say asinine things.

Armando: Hey, Mariana, you know that every time she kisses you you’re kissing me indirectly?

Thank you … for that. Anyway, it’s apparently Armando’s day with Julia so Mariana shouldn’t have been kissing her. Or something.

Then Hernan shows up and meets the infamous Armando.

Alone in her bedroom, Hernan asks Mariana if she decided to go with the threesome idea.

Mariana: You’re going to think I’m crazy.

Hernan: I’m not one to judge. In the war, there were always more men than women so we had to…

Mariana: Relax. It’s very different.

Hernan: I know… and I don’t understand it. Unless you’re bisexual, which I doubt.

Mariana: No.

Hernan tells her that as her father he just wants to protect her from everything, even though they both agree that she can take care of herself.

The subject switches to that of the adoption papers. Hernan wants her to look them over and sign them but Mariana says she has to run. After she leaves, we see that Hernan is looking rather ill, like he’s in pain. He takes some pills. Remember when Mariana asked him if he was healthy and he said he was? Well, I think it’s safe to say he lied.

We move on to the next episode, where it’s still Armando’s day with Julia and they’re putting it to good use by having lots of sex. Armando’s lost his mind and he’s spewing all matter of romantic nonsense. He tells Julia that she inspires others to give more love and that she’s full of light and blah blah blah.

Bottom line: Armando’s full of love. He feels it here and there. He’s got love and inspiration pouring out of all his pores. Mmhmm. He’s full of something, that’s for sure.

Julia’s grateful that Armando’s going along with the Share-an-Aparicio thing even though it must be hard for him. Armando doesn’t care that it’s difficult. He’s going to give it all he’s got because he luuuurves Julia. So much. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Armando: Hey, can I ask you something? Were you thinking of her while we were…

Julia: Why are you asking me that?

Armando: I just want to know.

Julia: Well…. maybe … in some moments when… oy, enough. Why do you want to know? Does it bother you?

Armando: Not at all.

Craaaazy eyes.

Pass.

That’s better.

Hernan drops by and they have a nice chat about relationships. Mariana tells him that even though she’s got a girlfriend, she feels like there’s something missing. Hernan says that love is a series of tests, but that from where he’s sitting, Mariana looks whole to him. She says she has many reasons to know that isn’t true.

Hernan: You’re just in love.

Later on, they have coffee and Hernan says that he just wants Mariana to be happy. He promised not to say anything or comment or give his opinion on anything, but he can tell she’s not happy.

Hernan: It worries me.

Mariana: Love doesn’t have to be instantaneous.

Hernan: It doesn’t have to be instantaneous but there’s no reason for it to be impossible.

Mariana tells him that she’s got to do this, not only because she loves Julia, but because she’s always believed that love is free and that it transcends gender. So basically, she’s just trying not to be a hypocrite. But also, she believes that her relationship with Julia was a perfect kind of love and she thinks they can get that back eventually if she just gets through this rough spot. The rough spot lasts approximately 29 more episodes (but who’s counting?)

Changing the subject, though, Mariana signed the paperwork to take on Hernan’s last name.

The next day, the trio is at Mariana’s and Julia is upset because neither Mariana nor Armando wants to go with her to dinner at Casa Aparicio. She calls them cowards. They tell her she’s got the day off and that she should get some rest because dating two people must be very exhausting.

But the truth is that neither Mariana nor Armando want to face Rafaela because they know she’s not going to be very happy with this arrangement. Julia insists that both of them should go with her because they need to face things. Her family will find out eventually and she should at least be able to count on their support.

That sound you heard was the sound of Julia’s whip. So, naturally, they agree to go.

Meanwhile, Julia gives Rafaela a quick lesson on the meaning of polyamory.

Julia: It’s a true thing from the heart and the spirit.

Rafaela: And Marianita accepted this?

Julia: Yes she did.

Rafaela has questions about how Mariana is taking it and how Armando is taking it and how they deal with things like jealousy. Maybe Rafaela should stop by one of Alma’s workshops. Julia doesn’t really want to get into all the details because they’re all still working on everything. She just wants Rafaela’s support.

Rafaela plays it cool and tells Julia that she’s got her love and support always.

But then she leaves Julia alone in the study and you can see that she’s actually rather upset by this whole thing.

Rafaela: Who are you, Julia? Who are you?

Maybe she’s a succubus. It would explain a lot.

Onwards, then, to the next episode, where we kick off with the most awkward dinner ever. Everyone’s sitting around in silence and Rafaela is just kind of glaring.

Alma tries to ease the awkwardness by asking Armando how things in the soccer world are going. Armando goes into a monologue about how he hopes to train little kids and yadda yadda.

The awkward silence continues so Aurelia gives conversation a shot by asking Mariana how things are going with Hernan. She says they’re going well and then asks for some water.

At long last, Rafaela speaks. Her opening words are very encouraging.

Rafaela: Julia, this thing between the three of you isn’t going to work.

I’d say Rafaela is probably an Oracle and knows about these things.

Alma and Mercedes tell Rafaela not to talk about this now, but Rafaela is not one to listen to anyone. She tells Julia that she’s tired and she’s had it up to here with her uncertainties. She gets up to leave. Julia says that they’ll be the ones to leave and that she’s sorry if they offended her. Alma and Mercedes tell Julia not to leave. Mariana speaks up and tells Rafaela that they entered this decision of their own volition.

Rafaela: Yes. You, as adults, made this decision, but you were manipulated by Julia.

See? Succubus! Okay, maybe I’ve been watching too much Lost Girl. Still.

And then they all yell and scatter in different directions.

So, that went well…

Julia’s upset because she honestly believed that her mother was fine with everything. Pffft! Like it would be that easy.

Mariana and Armando try to calm her down and tell her that Rafaela will come around eventually. Julia doesn’t think so. After all, this gives her the perfect excuse to be melodramatic and have everyone’s undivided attention.

Back inside, Mercedes and Alma try to calm Rafaela down. They understand that Rafaela doesn’t get Julia’s new relationship but they think maybe Julia should figure out on her own whether or not she’s doing the right thing.

Rafaela: Julia thinks she’s the sun and that everyone orbits around her, please. All those uncertainties. She wants to be one thing and then she wants to be the other, and these are people. They’re going to crash.

Later on, Aurelia serves Rafaela some tea in the hopes that it will calm her down, but Rafaela is too upset. She can see Julia heading straight for a brick wall and she can’t do anything to stop her. She’s also worried about Mariana.

Rafaela: Aurelia, something terrible is going to happen.

Threesomes are the #1 cause of terrible things happening. If the world does end in 2012, we know who to blame.

But anyway, it’s Mariana’s night with Julia. Remember how Armando and Julia spent their evening together? Naked? In bed? Yeah…Well, Mariana and Julia do the lesbian version of that. They watch Woody Allen movies and eat ice cream.

But before that, they discuss how the day was horrible and terrible. Mariana says it felt like when her own mother turned her back on her. Julia says she finally understands what that feels like.

After the movies, they are in bed. Bored. BORED.

Julia: Seriously, such boredom, my God. What do we do?

Oh…I don’t know. Two women in love. Alone on a bed. I’m totally at a loss. Mariana, any ideas?

Mariana: I don’t know. We should play something.

Okay… that sounds promising…

Mariana: Let’s play the hand-slap game!

Dot dot dot.

Julia can’t concentrate on the game, though, because she can’t stop thinking about her mother. She’s sure that at that moment, Rafaela is busy writing her out of the will. Deep thoughts, there, Julia. Mariana tells her not to talk about Rafaela that way, and convinces her to go back to the game.

The next day, Armando comes over for breakfast. I don’t know how Mariana and Julia managed to get out of bed after that intensely wild night they spent together, but there they are.

Julia is still emo about the fallout with Rafaela and Armando suggests that she call her mother. At Casa Aparicio, Mercedes is telling Rafaela that she should call Julia. Neither wants to make the first move.

Julia tells them that if this is one of the consequences of her decision to follow her heart, then she’s just going to have to deal with it. And if either of them has changed their minds, she understands. No such luck, though. They’re both still in.

Then Mariana says she’s got to leave because she’s got to go to Mercedes’ office to see about the name change.

As the episode draws to a close, we’re treated to a shot of Rafaela struggling with whether or not to call Julia.

Aurelia’s closing monologue leaves us with the following:

Aurelia: All of us women, at a certain age, look into the mirror on a good day, and what we see leaves us frozen. The image before us is that of our mother’s. Perhaps because of that, the eternal conflict between mothers and daughters so closely resembles a struggle against our own reflection. But yes, for a mother, with all of her years of experience, with all of her maternal affection, with everything of herself that she sees in her daughter, playing the designated role often turns out to be an uphill battle.

And we leave things there for now.

Note: I’ll be continuing the recaps as soon as I get a hold of the season DVDs, which will hopefully be at some point this summer (2011). Stay tuned for more! If you enjoyed these recaps, you can check out some of my others. Thanks for reading!

When last we left them, Armando and Mariana were drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. When next we see them, they are drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. They’ve gone through at least ten or fifteen sheets of paper in the process of drawing out their entire plan, so you know it’s very serious.

At some point, Armando tries to get Mariana to kiss him but Mariana reminds him that there are still one or two lesbians left on television who actually know the meaning of the word “lesbian.” They then set out to explain polyamory to each other by drawing a lot of dots on the paper and high-fiving each other.

Eventually, they fall asleep on the same bed and admit that they miss Julia. Armando reminds her of the pact they made, which is unbreakable and eternal and even sparkles in the daylight.

Julia, meanwhile, is in her bedroom watching that video Mariana made many episodes ago where she talked about how her love already had a love. That video always reminds me of Xena singing to Gabrielle, “The love of your love is you,” which is quite possibly the gayest thing ever. Also, it makes me think perhaps this whole situation would be resolved if Julia and Mariana went into the underworld and sang out their feelings.

Julia: What am I doing? I’m going to lose them both.

Don’t think like that, Julia. You’re made of Aparicio magic, which means people will follow you to the ends of the Earth and humor your every crazy whim no matter how many times you hurt them. It’s what makes you a special and unique snowflake.

The next morning, Julia asks if no one called her.

Rafaela: No one, Mariana? Or no one, Armando?

Julia tries to play it cool by saying that she wasn’t referring to either one of them, though we all know that’s a lie. Aurelia informs her that Mariana did stop by, which gets Julia all bouncy and excited until Rafaela reveals that it was only to drop off Julia’s share of the paycheck.

Julia is all “woe is me” because Mariana doesn’t want to see her. Her pity party lasts approximately half a second because no one RSVPs. Rafaela decides to kick her while she’s down by telling her that Mariana is just trying to stay away from the pain.

Julia: Excuse me, mom! Are you saying I’m the pain?

Rafaela: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. And I’ll also let you know that I told Marianita to stay away from you.

Julia: Whaaaaaaat?? Why would you do that?!

It’s quite simple, Julia: Your mother wants you to stop being a selfish jerkazoid. We all do.

Rafaela: You can’t keep playing with yourself or with Mariana or with that mindless Armando.

She then suggests that Julia get to know herself and what she wants out of life before attempting to get back into a relationship. Personal development and self-growth are not high on Julia Aparicio’s life goals so this advice doesn’t go over well.

Over at Armando’s, he and Mariana wake up with a massive hangover. Still, that doesn’t stop them from reaffirming their commitment to The Pact. It’s rock solid, yo.

Back at her apartment, Mariana finds memories of Julia everywhere, but thankfully Hernan drops by as a welcome distraction.

He asks what’s up, she says the usual. Since he’s not into riding the Crazytrain around Aparicioland, he suggests they watch a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Over at the gym, Julia runs into Armando, but he walks away from her after stealing her extra towel. Dude, she wanted BOTH OF THEM.

How very dare he.

In episode 68, we’re back with Hernan and Mariana. Poor Hernan didn’t manage to escape the Crazytrain after all, and so he’s forced to listen as Mariana tells him how Julia is more than just the love of her life; she’s her best friend and her family. Being without her is like walking around without a lung.

Hernan gives her a pep talk that goes something like, “Grrrrrl, none of that. You’re awesome and you don’t need a crazy ass lesbipolysexual making you think you’re half a potato.”

Hernan: You’re one of the most complete and able women I have ever known and you’re going to pull through.

Mmhmm. It’s not that I don’t believe that Mariana can live without Julia. It’s that I don’t believe that Mariana can live without Julia.

And vice versa.

Speaking of which, Julia decides to stop by Mariana’s to demand why she dropped off the money in an envelope instead of handing it to her directly. What does it all meeeean?!

Mariana: It doesn’t mean anything.

Julia: What do you mean it doesn’t mean anything? I’ve known you your entire life. Don’t act dumb.

Mariana: I have a lot of stuff to do. Why don’t we talk about this another day?

That doesn’t work, Mariana. We must all operate on Julia Aparicio Time. Don’t bother setting your watch, though, because JAT doesn’t stay the same for long.

Julia: You gave me the money in this envelope like…like…

Mariana: Like what, Julia? Like I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to see you? Think about it.

No time for thought, though, because it’s time for Armando to drop by unannounced. Let’s just say he’s none too happy to find Julia there.

Armando: I knew you were going to break our pact.

Julia: Pact? What pact?!

They try and fail to explain the pact to Julia. Armando says he just stopped by to return Mariana’s sock. Julia’s alarmed by the fact that one of Mariana’s socks ended up in Armando’s bedroom drawer.

Julia: I don’t understand anything!

Not to worry, Armando will explain.

Armando: Mariana spent the night at my house.

Julia: What?

Armando: Well these things they’re kind of … we drank a lot and you know how things are…kind of … unpredictable …

Julia demands that Mariana confirm what Armando said and she does.

Julia: Oh, okay, so now the two of you love each other, or what?

Mariana starts to answer because she looks totally freaked out by this entire conversation, but Armando interrupts her.

Armando: No I think it’s too early for that, isn’t it, Marianita?

Julia starts to say she doesn’t believe any of it because Mariana is gay. Mariana pipes in to say that she’s always believed that love is fluid and transcends gender. Armando tells Julia that now her V-shaped relationship turned into a closed triangle and that she needs to learn to control her jealousy and possessiveness.

Julia gets angry because she doesn’t believe what they’re saying (and definitely doesn’t want to believe what they’re saying). She asks Mariana to look at her and tell her the truth. Mariana is too freaked out to speak and refuses to look at her so Julia says she’s going to leave them alone to figure things out. But then she changes her mind and demands that Armando go with her because she refuses to leave Mariana alone with him.

Armando refuses to leave and tells Julia to talk to them later.

Julia leaves rather unhappily.

Mariana tells Armando to warn her next time he wants to have pretend sex with her and Armando says he didn’t know what else to say.

They eventually move to the living room to drink some beers to discuss the silly notion of the two of them together.

Mariana tells him that she’s never pictured them together at all because he’s not at all her type.

Mariana: But you know what you did, don’t you? You opened up Pandora’s box. If Julia decides she wants a triangle threesome we’re screwed.

Armando: Well, I don’t think I’d have a problem with that. But you would, no?

Um. Ew? Mariana agrees that it’s gross and tells him good night. But Armando says he has to stay over because he let Ileana and Bruno borrow his apartment.

Alone in bed, Julia thinks deep thoughts…

And we all go to sleep. When we wake up, we’re in episode 69, and it’s morning. Yawn. Where’s my coffee?

Armando is being a good houseguest and folding up the sheets he used the night before. Mariana tries to get him to leave but instead of leaving, he sits down so they can talk further about their “joke” from the night before.

Mariana hopes that all the nonsense turns out to be useful in the end and that Julia stops thinking of herself as the bellybutton of the world (her words, not mine) and makes a decision. Armando points out that Julia, technically, already made her decision and asks if Mariana would be willing to share her if that turns out to be Julia’s final decision. Mariana doesn’t know.

Armando decides it’s time for coffee and Mariana points him to the kitchen. This is a self-serve bed and breakfast.

The phone rings and it’s Julia. She tried calling Armando but he wasn’t home and she figures it means he’s with Mariana. But she doesn’t want to know any details. She does, however, want to speak to them both. Can they make it? Of course they can.

Armando: Did you see? She called me first.

Over at Casa Aparicio, Rafaela and Aurelia are alone at the breakfast table. None of the Aparicio women have shown up to breakfast. Aurelia suspects this means it’s the calm before the storm. Rafaela says that her girls have been very mysterious lately.

Just then, Julia storms in.

Julia: Are you talking about me or what? Surely, you are. Well, you’re forbidden from asking me anything about Mariana or Armando. I’m leaving and you can’t ask me where.

And Julia storms out.

Before they can say anything, Mercedes storms in.

Mercedes: Good morning, good morning. No! Don’t say anything. Yes, I spent the night with Claudio last night and it was incredible. It was delicious. I don’t want you to make fun or even comment on it, please. I’ll see you later. Bye.

And Mercedes storms out.

And then Ileana storms in.

Ileana: I suppose you already know I’m not a virgin anymore. I don’t want any comments, please. And no parties, either. Bye.

And Ileana storms out.

Aurelia: What a comprehensive news bulletin. And we didn’t even have to ask.

But back to Julia. She’s at the gym. Specifically, she’s in the pool daydreaming about Armando and Mariana.

That evening, the Little Trio That Could meet up in Armando’s apartment.

Mariana and Armando want to go get some alcohol to make the awkwardness of this whole thing more bearable but Julia wants to be sober when she talks to them. She tells them that she’s reached the conclusion that she’s being selfish.

Julia knows that nothing happened between them because she knows them well enough to know that that would be impossible. She also knows that they’re never going to accept the offer she made them and she thinks the best thing to do, for all of them, is to not be with either one.

This is Chapter 45 in The Julia Aparicio Guide To Getting Everything You Want (Even When You Don’t Really Deserve It). The tips in this chapter are threefold: Use reverse psychology, sprinkle in some tears, and (most importantly) wear a red bow on your head.

After that whole speech, everyone’s very depressed. Mariana says nothing, but she looks like all her thoughts have the #sufrocomoyosola hashtag. Armando tells Julia that he’ll always be there for her.

And then it’s time for Julia to excuse herself. She needs to let the magical red bow of doom do its job.

It doesn’t take long for its evil powers to kick in.

Mariana: Julia, you’re saying that you love us enough to let us go, no? The thing is … I love you too much.

She asks Armando if he’d be willing to go along with the threesome idea. He says yes.

Mariana: We’ll try it.

The Red Bow of Doom: Muahahahahaaaaaaaa!

And so it starts. Who’s buying the first round?

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Episode 64 kicks off with Julia and Alma sitting on a couch, T-A-L-K-I-N-G. Julia is confused about her confusion regarding the decision she finally made. You know, the one in which she decided between Mariana and Armando by choosing them both.

Even though Julia starts off this whole conversation by announcing that Mariana and Armando ran her off the premises with pitchforks and torches, she’s still asking Alma whether she thinks this whole threesome thing might work out. They decide the world is not quite ready yet for Julia’s revolutionary, polyamourous desires. Unless you’re Mormon.

Meanwhile, Mariana is also riding on Julia’s choo-choo train of confusion except she’s on the car marked “WTF” while Julia is perpetually in the one reserved for the Queen of Tergiversation.

Hernan helps by offering to share tales of threeway love from his days as a hippy.

Mariana: Yeah, but how many old hippies do you know that still live in trios?

He can’t think of any and neither can I because I don’t actually know any hippies.

The depth of Mariana’s suffering is so deep and vast that Hernan shrugs helplessly and decides to help by leaving her to go buy sodas so that Mariana can suffer in peace.

Armando isn’t suffering quite as deeply because this is the sort of stuff going around in his brain:

Except he’s not really into the idea of a threesome with Mariana so he wakes up all distraught.

The next day, Mariana finds herself alone, in bed, talking to an imaginary Julia.

Mariana: Okay, Julia, this is about love, no? And I, I love you… and…you’re my everything and you’re my person and even if you aren’t my everything because I have to share you … it’s okay…

Then the imaginary Julia replies.

Mariana (as Imaginary Julia): Oh, thank you, Mariana. You have no idea how much I love you…

Mariana (as Armando): And I you, flaca … I love you more and I love you better and I love you like man…

And then she beats up the pillow and yells in frustration. And oh, look who just showed up to witness this display of raw emotion…

No, not Dexter.

This guy:

Armando tells her that if it makes her feel better, he feels the same way. He asks what they’re going to do and Mariana tells him that everyone’s on their own and that Julia is going to have to decide because the three of them don’t fit in one bed. Armando agrees.

I agree, too.

But hey, you know who’s not suffering? Julia.

She’s rather enjoying her time with her family until Aurelia and Rafaela start asking her about Mariana and whether she’s going to go see her on her day off and whether she misses her or not. Julia avoids the subject by refusing to give a clear answer and leaving.

Later on she’s doing research on polyamorous relationships when she gets a visit from Armando and Mariana.

They have stopped by to tell Julia that they can’t do what she’s asking them to do because they love her and don’t want to share her or share themselves.

Mariana: You’re going to have to decide, Julia. It’s him… or me.

I know, Julia, how dare they! Don’t they know you’re the center of the universe? Unacceptable!

Since they obviously misunderstood what she wants from them she launches into another explanation about how she loves them both and needs to have them both because she can’t choose between them.

Duh, you guys.

Rafaela accidentally overhears Julia’s monologue about her Uniquely Indiscriminate Feelings and retreats back to her lair to plan out Armando’s demise.

Mariana and Armando are both losing patience with Julia and tell her that she’s got until that evening to make a decision. Pick one of them OR ELSE.

Later on, Rafaela tries to broach the subject with Julia but they end up just yelling at each other because Julia doesn’t want her mother involved in her polyamorous decisions.

Julia: What’s happening, mom, is that I’m in love with two people and they can’t understand that and they’re making me choose between them.

Those selfish bastards.

Rafaela tells Mariana to scoot over in the WTF car of the choo-choo train of confusion and yells at Julia to stop treating Armando and Mariana like objects instead of human beings. She’s worried about Julia’s inability to make decisions.

Julia: I’ve made a decision. The problem is that no one wants to support that decision. So, I don’t know what to do.

Then she says she has to go because she’s got a lot of things to do. Like, figure out how to get two people who hate each other into a relationship with her.

From there, we move on to episode 65, where we find Julia plotting and planning or otherwise just trying to make a decision.

She drops by Alma’s class, where the topic du jour is polyamory.

Alma: Who stands to lose more: the person who chooses or the person who decides not to choose?

I’ve figured out why Julia has come to think of herself as the center of the universe. She goes to an acting class, and the exercise mirrors her life. Later she gets cast in a TV show and the plot mirrors her life. She stops by her sister’s workshop, and the class subject mirrors her life. No wonder the girl is confused about reality.

Oh, but hey, it’s evening! Decision time!

But first, a lesson on polyamory by Dr. Julia Aparicio.

Julia is now an expert on polyamorous relationships and can draw diagrams to prove it.

She draw’s a ‘V’ to illustrate the type of relationship they will be having once she’s done convincing them that this is what she wants they want. Personally, I think the V should always stand for vagina, which should make Julia’s decision very simple. In this case, though, the V actually stands for very self-centered and delusional.

Julia explains that in her version of reality, the two of them will date her and only her and definitely not each other. This is fair and makes sense because she needs two times the love and attention and they each only need half.

Julia finishes her lesson by saying that she’s sorry if they don’t understand but to please not make fun because she took the time to research this and study this and memorize complex illustrations. She gets that they will need time and space in order to remember that they can’t live without her and will inevitably give in to all this nonsense anyway.

Later on, Julia is hanging out with Alma and Mercedes. Her sisters giggle at the fact that Julia had the guts to say all those things to Armando and Mariana.

Mercedes: It’s impressive. I … I have nothing to say. I am at a loss for words.

They ask how Mariana and Armando reacted and Julia says it was like she’d shown them a horror movie in 3D. The only thing she knows is that she was honest. Her sisters press her about what it is she’s looking for, and Julia insists that she wants both Mariana and Armando because she truly, madly, deeply loves them both.

She drew diagrams in a big notebook. What more do these people want?

Over at her apartment, Mariana sits on the futon having flashbacks about Julia. Like when they made out on Julia’s bed and that one time they had sex.

The next morning, Hernan drops by and asks her how it’s going with Julia.

Mariana: Wonderful, perfect, geometricizing love.

Mariana doesn’t want to talk about it and that’s fine by Hernan cause he’s got a different topic for Mariana.

He wants to talk to her about her last name. He wants her to take his.

And then we move on to episode 66, where Aurelia’s opening monologue treats us to some more of Mariana’s Julia-related flashbacks.

When we meet up with Mariana again, she’s in the Aparicio kitchen with Aurelia and Rafaela, who are asking her why she’s not been by to see them. Mariana says she’s been busy cooking and that she’ll bring them some samples later.

She tries to leave, but Rafaela insists that she join her for a cup of coffee. Rafaela tells her that she overheard what Julia said to them the other day and that she doesn’t agree with any of it. She doesn’t like what Julia is doing to Mariana, to Armando and to herself. She doesn’t understand it and she doesn’t subscribe to it.

We all know that Rafaela is forever Team Mariana.

Over at the Atelier, Armando tries to get Alma to help him with the whole Julia situation. Alma tells him that she can’t control what Julia thinks or feels or does and wouldn’t want to anyway. Armando says he’s lost because he doesn’t want to share Julia but he also doesn’t want to lose her. Alma tells him that she doesn’t feel comfortable having that conversation and that the three of them will have to resolve it themselves.

Back at Casa Aparicio, Rafaela has no trouble at all having that conversation. She’s annoyed at Julia and letting it all out. She recounts Julia’s many indecisions and tells Mariana that none of it is right.

Rafaela doesn’t want to see Mariana get hurt further and wants her to let Julia go if that would be healthiest.

Rafaela: Julia is my daughter. I love her with all of my heart, but it’s not worth it, my love.

Mariana: But I love her.

Rafaela: Of course you love her, but you also have to decide what you want for yourself. You have the right to be happy. If Armando was sitting right there, I’d tell him the same thing. The two of you deserve the best.

Mariana: The best? Patroncita, Julia is my best. She’s my best friend. She’s my best companion. She’s my life and without her…

Rafaela: Hermann Hesse said, ‘To be born, you must destroy a world.’

He also said, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Not that Mariana is ever letting go. She’s in luuurve and as Mother Teresa said, “If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” I’m not sure she was talking about polyamory, though.

In the meantime, Mariana decides to call someone to come by and change the locks on her front gate because it will keep curly-haired vermin from wandering in uninvited. I’m all for this.

Unfortunately, as she’s in the middle of explaining to the lady on the phone that she wants more locks on her doors because she needs to guard her house and her heart more, she realizes maybe she doesn’t want to guard her heart so much and tells the lady never mind.

Over at Armando’s, he’s in the middle of calling Julia to offer to pick her up from the set, but then Mariana shows up out of the blue and ruins those plans.

Mariana: You’re not going anywhere.

I love bossy Mariana.

Armando: Have you come to say you don’t want any part of the arrangement or to discuss how we’re going to schedule our time with Julia, because honestly, I prefer Sundays.

Mariana: I’ve come to discuss totally the opposite.

She wants them both to stop the madness. Neither one gets Julia.

That’s like… if you have two chocolate addicts and they’re both dating this giant Twix bar and the giant Twix bar is like, “I want you both,” and the chocolate addicts are like, “No way, neither of us get you!” Pffft. Like it wouldn’t take two seconds for them both to be munching away on the Twix bar. Please.

Did I mention I’m on cold medicine? Okay, I’m not, but I should be.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Mariana has diagrams.

It looks a lot like Julia’s diagram except it’s in purple which is a gay color and it matches the rag on her head.

Mariana proposes that they make a pact to stay away from Julia because they can’t keep letting her lead them around like two lost puppies. The only way she will learn to choose is if they both agree to see her as little as possible, and with zero romantic intentions.

They’re totally drunk as they make this pact so you know it’s serious and will hold up well against the test of time.

Yeah, they’re totally doomed.

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Before we start, I’d suggest getting a drink (or two). Maybe, also, do a shot. Unless you’re under age, in which case you should get something non-alcoholic. Modern Family recommends salted chocolate milk and Rizzoli & Isles recommends salted coffee. Salt is the new sugar. Write that down.

Last time on the Julia Confundicio Show… Julia cheated on Mariana with Armando because she couldn’t help herself. As a result, we will now be treated to 40 or so episodes of … wait, let me not get ahead of myself here.

Let’s begin. Episode 61 opens with foreshadowing in the form of the Mexican TV series Julia is starring in. It’s a series within a series, the plot of which mirrors the life and times of its lead actress who is actually a character within another show. Are you following? It’s deep, you guys.

I know it’s hard to grasp the subtle nuances of this series, but something tells me that we will be treated to a threesome in the near future and that it will involve a curly-haired guy and two brunettes.

DON’T PANIC.

Okay, panic. A little. But stay with me. And keep a towel with you at all times.

Over at casa Wilson Torres, Mariana is still excited that she and Hernan have nearly the same handwriting and she shares the revolutionary news with Julia. Julia ooohs and aaaahs at the post-it notes on the fridge and then announces that she has to go study her lines. Mariana offers to help, but Julia says that’s okay.

Mariana apologizes for acting like a child with abandonment issues and Julia says she thinks it’s good for them to do separate things once in a while. Mostly, Mariana is being her usual sweet, wonderful self and Julia is trying really hard to hide her guilt.

Suffer, Julia. SUFFERLIKEMARIANA.

Later on, Julia is having trouble with some of her lines because they are too much like her real life and her real life is confusing.

Julia: It’s super complicated.

Mariana: What’s it about?

Julia: The um… the three of them are supposed to get together… you know, sleep together and afterwards Natalia feels really guilty because she slept with Ar–with Ignasio without Karen there and so she feels bad and she feels that she betrayed her and everything’s a mess.

Mariana: So why does she do it? To reaffirm her love, or…?

Julia: I don’t know! I don’t know! The thing is that this scene takes place after all of that and then she goes to try and confess and to apologize and she’s all conflicted …

So conflicted, Julia is. I mean Natalia.

Mariana starts reading the lines in an effort to help Julia, but the lines end up confusing Julia even further and she ends up saying “Mariana” where she should’ve said “Karen” and then she spazzes out and say she can’t concentrate and that she needs to go study the lines at her mom’s.

The next morning, at the Most Open-Minded House in Mexico, las Aparicio (and Aurelia) are having breakfast together. Everyone’s teasing Aurelia because she checked Rafaela’s breasts for lumps. Alma tells Aurelia that her husband died a long time ago and so it makes sense that she’d be lonely.

Mercedes: I just want to let you both know that if you end up falling in love that there’s nothing wrong with it.

Everyone has a good laugh, except for Julia, who is sitting there looking emo.

Her sisters eventually notice that Julia is being quiet but Julia plays it off that she’s nervous about the series she’s doing, and then she excuses herself and heads off.

Later on, Mariana drops by the house. Rafaela is trying to talk to her but Mariana’s all distracted because she’s not sure what’s going on with Julia lately. She thinks it might have something to do with the new job, but she’s not sure. Rafaela advices her to have patience.

I think, actually, Rafaela is speaking to us all. Listen to Rafaela, people. You don’t want to cross her.

Back on set, Julia is hallucinating again or maybe dreaming. It’s hard to tell with her sometimes.

Dream Mariana: So, Julia, what did you decide?

Julia: It’s just that … I can’t decide … because I love you both.

For some reason I have Phoebe’s song “Two of them Kissed Last Night” stuck in my head…

Phoebe: …. and now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside? Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we’ll call … Ju-Lulieeee… He must decide… he must decide … even though I made him up, he must decide!

Julia doesn’t have to decide, though, which is too bad. Phoebe should write a song about that. I miss Phoebe.

Real Armando brings Julia flowers on set and tells her that she can’t pretend nothing happened, but that’s precisely what Julia is trying to do. Except she does take his flowers before walking away from him, which seems like the opposite of what she should do. But since up is down and down is up for Julia Aparicio, I guess it all makes perfect sense.

Episode 62 picks up a little while later, and guess who’s still hanging around the set like a creepy stalker dude? Yep, him.

They get into a loud, inappropriate argument in the middle of the studio about what happened between them. Julia does her best to tell Armando to get lost and to convince them both that their sleeping together was just sex. Armando doesn’t believe her and neither do any of us because we already know that Julia has a penthouse suite in Back-and-Forthville, overlooking a giant lake in the shape of a question mark.

Armando: It wasn’t just sex.

I’m gonna need more salted coffee if I’m going to get through this.

Over at Casa Aparicio, Mariana is hanging out with Ileana, Bruno and Isadora. They’re discussing Julia’s TV show and how Julia is going to be really famous once it airs. Then Isadora asks what the show is about, and being that the plotline is not suitable for minors, Mariana changes the subject by suggesting they go play.

Later on, Mariana is still at the Aparicio house, talking with Hernan and Rafaela. Julia wanders in and Mariana rushes to greet her, but Julia is all cold and distant and tells them that she’s tired and doesn’t want to talk about her first day of work. Mariana says she must be exhausted and offers to help her take her things to her room, but Julia tells her no. She’s going to go shower and come back down later.

Once she’s gone, Rafaela asks Mariana how the patience thing is going.

Mariana: More or less …. more less than more.

Rafaela: Don’t let impatience win, my love.

Mariana has been around the Aparicio household long enough to have absorbed some of their supernatural powers, so I think she’ll be okay. You can do it, Mariana.

Armed with Super Patience and Rafaela’s encouragement, Mariana goes to check on Julia. She tries to engage her in conversation about her day but Julia tells her she doesn’t want to talk about work.

Mariana: Well, whenever you want to talk, you can talk to me. I’m going to be patient, loving and understanding.

Julia: You always are.

Mariana: So what’s the problem?

Julia: I just can’t talk about it right now.

Mariana moves behind Julia and starts massaging her shoulders, telling her that instead of talking she can just put on some music and give her a massage so she can relax.

But it’s hard to relax when you feel insurmountable guilt over the fact that YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY AND YOU CHEATED ON HER WITH A DUFUS. SUFFER, JULIA.

Julia: What I meant to say is that … I just can’t be with you right now. It’s not because of you … it’s just I need some space.

Ah, the dreaded words.

Everyone who wants to go comfort Mariana in her hour of need form a line behind me.

The next day, Julia works on her indecision-making skills by looking at photos of herself standing beside both objects of her affection. Then she picks up the phone and makes a call.

Later on, she arrives at Mariana’s apartment. Mariana isn’t happy to see her.

Mariana: Did you already get tired of your space?

Julia apologizes and says that she needed time and space to think and organize her head and to reflect and make certain decisions, yadda yadda. None of this sounds good to anyone that’s actually listening. It especially doesn’t sound good to Mariana.

Julia: Why are you taking it like this?

Mariana: How do you want me to take it? You say space and I interpret that to mean distance. If you want distance, there’s the door. But stop playing with me.

Julia says she’s not playing. And then Armando shows up. Yay!

Mariana: I can’t believe this.

Yeah, me neither, but here we are. She asks Armando what he’s doing there and Julia says that she asked him to come. Even better! Armando asks why Julia invited him because if it’s to tell him that they’re just friends that’s never going to work.

Armando: What you and I have–

Mariana doesn’t like the sound of that one bit and the two of them start yelling at each other. Julia shuts them up and tells them that she needs to talk to both of them at the same time because she has something very important to tell them.

Mariana: Go ahead, Julia. Articulate. Why don’t you tell us what it is that you want from us?

Julia: I want you both!

Sigh. Drinks, anyone? My treat.

In episode 63, we pick up more or less where we left off, except the awkward conversation has now moved to the patio.

Mariana: How many fingers do I have here, Julia, because from where I’m standing, your perception of reality is distorted or something or you’re sick … she’s sick … she has to be sick.

Armando: No, she’s not sick. She’s just confused, isn’t that right, Julia? Because of what happened between us the other day.

Oh, right. The cheating. Knew we were forgetting something.

Mariana: What happened the other day?

Julia: I slept with him.

Julia then rambles out an apology which isn’t so much an apology as her going on and on about how she can’t help but want them both and how she doesn’t know if it’s a sin or if it’s abnormal but she can’t help it and blah blah blah.

Julia: … and I feel that what I need is to have you both…

Julia: … I feel that I love you and that I need you…

Julia: … and that’s that.

Nothing good comes from this conversation, because Mariana and Armando are both upset. They don’t know what Julia wants to do now with this whole thing and Julia doesn’t know either. Well, she does know, she wants them both. She just doesn’t know how to ask for that directly because that might be crossing the line. So it’s better that she just let them figure it out on their own.

Mariana: You are so selfish.

Armando tries to make peace by inviting Julia back to his apartment so they can “talk” about it. Julia starts to cry and use reverse psychology. When you’re in this deep you absolutely need to do both at the same time.

Julia: I shouldn’t have told you anything. I should be like everyone else in the world, who lie and sleep with one and sleep with the other and it doesn’t matter … as long as no one finds out. That’s what I should’ve done just to avoid this whole mess. Instead of trying to be honest and trying to fix this somehow… I’m sorry.

Goodbye, cruel, monogamous world!

Coming soon: The Julia Aparicio Guide to Getting People To Do Stuff They Don’t Want to Do While Making Them Think They Actually Want To Do It by Julia Aparicio.

Mariana and Armando crack open some beers and discuss the situation. Armando then says things that make us want to punch him in the face.

Armando: I think we’re all a bit confused here. But what Julia and I have … geez, that’s true love, while what you two have is a nice friendship, a beautiful friendship and I’m sure it’s going to last for the rest of your lives.

Mariana: What are you trying to say?

Armando: That I’m seeing an opportunity here, between Julia and me, and I’m asking you to let us take it.

Mariana tells him that he wasn’t listening because what Julia wants is to have them both. Armando asks whether she’d be willing to go along with that.

Mariana says it’s not in her nature to go out with more than one person at a time and that maybe Armando is used to juggling various women. Armando says it’s the first time this has happened to him and that the only reason he’s considering it is because he loves Julia.

Mariana: That’s not love.

Armando: You don’t believe me? Fine.

Armando leaves and Mariana reclaims her title as the Queen of Suffering.

All hail the Queen!

Meanwhile, Julia wanders around her mom’s house dodging direct questions.

Rafaela: Don’t you miss Marianita?

Julia: Yes, yes I do miss her.

Are you sure, Julia? Because maybe you don’t. Maybe you only think you do. Perhaps you should look through some more pictures and make sure.

Later on, Julia goes to hang out with Mercedes, who’s getting ready to infiltrate Alma’s escort service lair. She has recently discovered Alma’s secret career and has a lot of complicated feelings on the subject.

Since Mercedes can’t say anything about the escort service or what her plans actually are, and Julia doesn’t want to talk about the fact that she wants a threesome with her girlfriend and ex-boyfriend, the conversation goes absolutely nowhere.

Julia decides to drop in on her more open-minded sister.

Alma: Mariana or Armando?

Julia: Both.

Always both.

Julia goes on to tell Alma how she told Mariana and Armando that she wanted them both and how their reaction was to threaten her and mock her and that the only thing she could do was run out the door.

Coming Soon: The Julia Aparicio Guide to Cheating on Your Significant Other, Admitting You Want To Sleep With More Than One Person At a Time, and Still Come Out Looking Like the Victim by Julia Aparicio.

Alma asks Julia what she intends to do now and Julia asks if she’s got anything to drink. Alma’s got tequila, and I sure hope she’s got enough for all of us.

Meanwhile, Mariana is helping Hernan with some saving-the-world stuff. Hernan notices that Mariana is a little off and convinces her to talk to him.

Mariana: Julia came by and confessed to me, well, confessed to both Armando and me that she wants to be with us both.

Hernan: With you both…

He has no words. I have no words. Julia is drunk. Armando is– well, who cares?

And that, my friends, is where we leave this recap. Still with me? Don’t leave me all alone!

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Rise and shine, my fellow Las Aparicio addicts, because it’s morning in Aparicioland, and Hernan is making us breakfast. Mmm! Smells like pancakes.

Chef Mariana steps in to help with the cooking because Hernan is about to drop half a stick of butter into the batter and that’s way too much.

Oh, hey, remember last time when Julia was massaging Mariana’s shoulders … in bed … and it looked romantic, but really Mariana was just thinking about her father … which is kind of creepy … and then suddenly jumped up and said he was going to die? Well, she’s still worried about that, which is why she asks Hernan if he’s healthy. Hernan assures her that he can crush a walnut with his butt and is not planning to die any time soon.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Later on, Hernan asks the girls what they were like growing up. Mariana tells him that she was an angel incarnate.

Julia calls her a liar and tells Hernan that Mariana was actually a little misbehaved brat, and also, that she liked to cheat in games. Mariana says she was just better at everything. They bicker back and forth and then Hernan tells them that he must run off.

Julia: So what was that you told me about him being sick or something?

Mariana: No, it’s just that sometimes I’m a little dense. And anyway I already spoke to him and he assured me that he’s perfectly healthy.

Then the phone rings, and for a moment I think it’s Armando calling to discuss the threesome fantasy he had, but it’s not him at all. Julia looks almost as happy as we all are that it’s not him for once.

It’s actually a work-related, happy-news kind of call. It turns out that they both got cast in that show they auditioned for last time! Yay!

Later on, Mariana and Julia arrive at the set, where they’re greeted by a lady who compliments Julia’s acting skills and tells her to go sign her contract.

The lady mistakes Mariana for Julia’s personal assistant, which is funny for about two seconds until we learn that there’s been a mistake in communication. Mariana was not cast. It was some other Mariana, the one with blue eyes. Damn.

Julia doesn’t want to take the part without Mariana but Mariana convinces her to do it anyway because that’s what supportive girlfriends do.

Julia: I was really excited about doing it together.

That’s what she said.

Mariana: There will be a lot of opportunities. Okay? Now go sign. I’ll go pick up the scripts because I’m your personal assistant.

And oh, look, they’re about to get all lovey-dovey and cute which means that Armando is probably going to–

Oh, yep, there he is.

This is called stalking, Armando.

Julia: What are you doing here?

Armando: Proving that I’m not worth anything.

He came all the way over there to tell them he’s emo. Thanks, Armando. Ever heard of a Facebook status update?

Blah blah his life sucks because he got kicked off the team and the WHOLE WORLD hates him and now he can’t even get a decent one-night stand with a chick he already err, made love to sweetly … in the past …and he turned his ex-girlfriend into a raving lesbian and a lot of other terrible things. Woe. Sad face.

The problem with this whole scene, aside from the fact that none of us care about Armando’s life, is that Julia does care. A lot.

Mariana tries to get out of this whole thing by saying she’s going to pick up Julia’s script but then Armando calls her back.

Armando: I want to apologize to both of you, okay? I’m screwed up and you don’t deserve this.

Well played, Armando. By the way, Dr. Evil is on line two. He wants his laser-beam sharks back.

This brings us to episode 59, where we find our lovely ladies on Mariana’s futon. Julia is rehearsing her lines but she’s having trouble concentrating because she feels guilty that she’s doing this show without Mariana and it makes her feel weird and also she feels bad about how Armando showed up at the set.

Julia: I don’t know if I want to do this, and even less without you.

Mariana reminds her that she already signed the contract and that backing out would show a lack of respect for everyone: the production team, Julia and even Mariana.

Mariana: As best friends, we were joined together by the belly button and now as a couple it’s more about supporting each other and encouraging the other to do what they like to do. You’ve got your thing.

Julia: And yours?

Mariana: Doesn’t matter.

Later on, Mariana is watching more war movies or maybe war YouTube clips of men shooting loud firearms. This probably makes her feel closer to Hernan, but it’s making it hard for Julia to work on her lines. Like the good girlfriend that she is, Mariana puts on her headphones.

Julia goes back to her lines, the next of which reads, “We’re going to be okay, right?”

She glances at Mariana and repeats the line quietly.

Are you going to be okay? I don’t know. Hang on, let me consult my magic 8 ball.

Phew. It’s all good, you guys.

A little later, Mariana’s cooking in the kitchen with Hernan and discussing the war documentary she was watching. She tells him it helped to better understand him, and even though there’s things she’s not completely sure about, it helped to ask herself an important question:

Mariana: Is there anything I believe in strongly enough to fight for?

Hernan: And?

Mariana: Well, yes, Hernan. I believe really deeply in the freedom to love and I don’t know to one day reach a Utopia where homophobia doesn’t exist and where we can all live together in peace.

Imagine aaaalll the peeeople…

Hernan feels that he’s finally getting back some of that time that they lost. Then they strike a deal to always be a part of each other’s life and to always be straightforward with one another.

It’s Hernan’s idea, which means he’s probably hiding something.

Meanwhile, Julia is dreaming…

Which can only mean one thing: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Julia: We’re going to be okay.

Mariana & Armando: We’re going to be okay.

You are now entering: The Bad Place. Population: 3.

Julia wakes up from her dream.

And thanks to the power of the collective unconscious, Armando wakes up from the same dream and instantly dials Julia’s number. Because when you dream about having a threesome with someone you instantly want to tell them all about it. That’s how restraining orders happen. Just saying.

He changes his mind.

Armando: (to himself) Don’t do it.

Post-threesome-dream dialing: the anti-Nike.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia’s also in the mood to share.

Julia: I had a dream.

Mariana: A nightmare?

Julia: No. Actually, the opposite.

Mariana: And I suppose Armando was in it.

(Julia nods while yawning)

Julia: You were also there.

Mariana: No. Nooo… a threesome? With that ass?

Julia starts to say that she feels bad, but Mariana is extremely understanding about the whole thing and admits that sometimes she has sex dreams about Dany.

Well, that woke Julia up.

Mariana tries to make it better by telling Julia her dreams don’t involve threesomes, which somehow makes things worse.

Julia: You can’t dream about Dany without me being present in the dream!

Mariana asks if it’s okay to have sex dreams about Dany if Julia is present and Julia says yes.

Mariana: Then let’s get to bed because I really like the sound of that dream!

And we get some cute time.

However, the Bad Place is alive and well in Julia’s mind, and so while later we get some sexy massage-time again…

… it is not without damage to our delicate psyches.

I don’t know how I lived this long without seeing Armando’s buttcrack again.

We begin episode 60 with our girls imitating each other, which is really cute, even though there’s no dialogue in this scene.

Later on, Mariana has to take some food over to the Atelier, leaving Julia behind to rehearse her lines and daydream some more about inappropriate things.

The second Mariana leaves, Imaginary Armando is standing naked in the living room, which probably means that nothing good can possibly come from this episode.

Here, take my hand. We’ll get through this.

A little later, Julia is rehearsing lines like, “I can’t choose. I want you both. What’s wrong with that?” Wow. It’s like this series is talking about her life. Dude. Heavy.

It’s a good time for Armando to call and tell her about the dream he had, which, coincidentally is just like the dream Julia had. What does it all mean?? We don’t get to find out because Julia hangs up on him.

Mariana, meanwhile, is at the Atelier doing her very best to annoy Ileana. Hernan shows up for the 12 o’clock showing of Ileana the Homophobic Barista vs. Mariana the Gay Lesbian.

Mariana: I’m going to tell you a little something about Miss Ileana. She’s so paranoid with us, the gays, that she’s even scared of me following her on Twitter.

Regardless of Ileana’s homophobic tendencies she does have a secret heart of gold that she shows once in a while, like when she told Hernan about those jerks that harassed Mariana. Hernan tells her that he’s really grateful to her for telling him about that.

Mariana: Whatever your motivations were.

Ileana: Hey, it’s not like I’m the villain of the story. It may be that you and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things but I also don’t want anyone to hurt you.

Mariana says that merits a hug and Ileana allows it for about half a second before she walks away as quickly as possible.

I think Ileana is my favorite TV homophobe.

Alas, we’re back to the Bad Place. The really, really bad place. And it looks a bit like…

…this.

There was the slim hope that this was just another of Julia’s dream-fantasies, but sadly, this is actually happening.

And it only gets worse from there.

Oh, Julia. You fail so much at life right now.

Over at the apartment, Hernan and Mariana are sharing a beer and talking about the clinics that Hernan wants to open with the help of Leonardo. Mariana would like to volunteer her time and help because she thinks that what they’re doing is really important and she would like to be a part of it.

From there they talk about how Mariana used to dress like a Russian farmer and she tells Hernan that Frank (her mom’s husband) used to call her “Little Miss Misfit” because she never fit into the role that was expected of her.

Hernan says that he can relate to the whole notion of not fitting in and that even though she was only a little girl when he left, he still felt like she was the only one who understood him. He then launches into a monologue about how he never fit into his expected roles either and could never worry about the things his friends worried about – big salaries and new cars – because he was always too aware and preoccupied with the terrible things happening in the world.

Hernan: Tell you what. If you won’t accept my last name, I’ll accept yours: Mr. Misfit.

Cheers.

Over at the Bad Place, Julia is asking Armando whether this dirty guilt is how he always felt after sleeping around on her.

Julia: I guess it was true when you told me that you couldn’t control yourself.

Sigh. I would like to buy a first class, one-way ticket out of this storyline. Who’s with me?

Armando says that the only thing that can’t be controlled between them is their Feeeelings. Julia insists she’s with Mariana and that she can’t do this to her.

Um, a little late for that, Julia.

But back to the feelings. Does Julia love Mariana more? Is he just a piece of meat to her? Does she just want him for his buttcrack?

Armando, what are you doing trying to get Julia to give clear answers? Have you met her? Julia doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what she feels. She’s … what’s that word again? Oh, yes. Confused.

Armando: Are you going to tell her what happened between us?

She’s not sure. She first has to figure out what’s going on with her and Armando.

Over at Casa Wilson Torres, Mariana and Hernan are still talking about being misfits which leads Mariana to wonder if there’s a place where misfits like them fit in. Hernan tells her to write the word “misfit” on a post-it note.

It turns out that two of them have the almost the exact same handwriting. How cute!

And so we end with a happy Mariana, who doesn’t yet know that her bff-slash-love just spent the day rubbing uglies with whats-his-face. Oh, blissful ignorance.

It’s going to be a long, painful ride to Happily Ever After. But we’ll make it.

I think.

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

So, where were we? Ah, yes. When last we left them, Julia and Mariana were on a double date with Armando and Valeria. All of this is part of Armando’s EVIL PLOT to win back Lady Julia. And, sadly, it’s working. Julia is growing progressively more jealous of Armando and Valeria together, which makes no sense to me because, hello? Has she seen her girlfriend?! But Julia’s emotions are a mixed salad of crazygreens with loonydressing on the side, which probably means this show is about to take us to a Bad Place.

We pick up episode 55 with the foursome playing a game of questions. It’s Mariana’s turn and she asks Armando what he would do if he found a wallet full of cash: return it to the owner or keep it? Armando says he’d keep the money so he could take Valeria out to breakfast.

Instantly, Julia’s like, “Don’t you care about the people who lost their wallet?” And Mariana, who has an RSS feed subscription to Julia’s True Thoughts sees that what Julia is really saying is, “How dare you take this girl out to breakfast and not me?” So she stares disapprovingly at her girlfriend.

Armando, very smoothly uses the nickame he has for Julia – “Flaca” – to refer to Valeria. But when she hears the nickname, Julia automatically says, “What?” And Mariana sighs and facepalms.

Yes, Julia, you are incredibly obvious and transparent and it’s embarrassing all of us. Please to be stopping this now.

It’s Valeria’s turn to ask Julia a question.

Valeria: Your boss offers you a promotion if you agree to sleep with him … do you do it?

Julia: Of course!

Mariana: What?! Don’t joke, Julia.

Julia: Why not? It’s just a game. He said it.

I think Julia is actually playing a different game called: How to Screw Up A Perfectly Awesome Relationship By Being an Idiot. So far, she’s winning by a landslide.

Next question! Armando asks Mariana…

Armando: You have a new boyfriend – sorry, girlfriend, but you don’t stop missing your ex. Do you tell your partner?

Mariana: Look, I think more than once you’ve proven that games are for little kids or more accurately that you can’t stop being immature, so… I think I’m going to go because otherwise I won’t have time to do the stuff I need to do. Excuse me.

Armando is enjoying every second of this.

Julia half-heartedly protests and Mariana tells her that if she wants to stay she can stay, but that she has to leave.

Mariana: Valeria, I’m sorry. By the way, you have really gorgeous eyes.

Julia: No one asked you!

Oh, Mariana, you charmer.

Valeria totally thinks so too.

I figure she’s thinking that if things don’t work out between Mariana and Julia, maybe Mariana can give her a call.

Julia grumpily agrees to leave and yells for Mariana to wait up.

Armando is, naturally, very proud of himself. Operation: Make Julia Jealous and Piss Mariana Off in the Process was a smashing success.

And though Valeria can totally see through his little ploy to make Julia jealous, Mariana staring into her eyes left her all hot and bothered so when Armando proposes sex, she doesn’t turn him down. To this I say, “Ew,” so let’s move on.

Next day, Julia is whining about the double date and Mariana is annoyed with her and states that seeing Armando with Valeria must have really bothered her. Julia denies it up and down and says that she’s actually happy about it because it means that he won’t be bothering them anymore.

Mariana: If you say so.

Raise your hand if you believe Julia…

That’s what I thought.

You know who also didn’t raise her hand? Mariana. But Mariana can’t resist Julia nor her smile so her annoyance dissipates the moment Julia proposes a “game.”

Julia: What would you do if you saw your girlfriend making the bed … would you a) help her make it or b) help her unmake it?

Mariana’s answer is c) take her to the futon. Or maybe take her on the futon. I’d vote for the latter. Mariana leads her girlfriend in that direction.

Later on, they’re packing. For a trip? Nope. Apparently, they want to donate some food and clothes to victims of a recent hurricane. Hernan drops by and asks how things are going.

Things aren’t going very well, says Mariana, because they watched the news, and no one can possibly be cheerful after watching the news. Between the hurricane and the fact that the supreme court is reviewing the issue of gay adoptions … well, everything is doom and gloom.

Mariana: I don’t know whether to be angry or depressed.

Hernan agrees that things are effed up but he’s all, “We’ll see.”

Julia doesn’t understand why the government is putting so much time and effort into worrying about gay issues instead of focusing on things like catching drug dealers and murderers.

Mariana: It drives me crazy that people would rather a kid to be on the street, asking for money in a corner, shooting up on drugs, instead of being with a couple that will love him and give him all the love and care that he’ll need.

Sing it, sister.

In episode 56, we pick things up with Armando, who’s at the gallery cafe telling Ileana and her boyfriend, Bruno, that things with Julia didn’t work out exactly as planned because he can’t determine whether Julia was really jealous or if her pride was just hurt.

Ileana is very interested in making sure that Julia breaks up with Mariana and goes back to Armando, so she suggests that maybe the key is to make Mariana so jealous that she breaks things up with Julia. Bruno is more interested in finding out whether Armando slept with Valeria, but Valeria shows up to talk to Armando and that conversation is cut short.

Armando tells Valeria that their sleeping together was nice and all but that he doesn’t want anything serious and Valeria wholeheartedly agrees. Blah, blah, who cares.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia is super excited because a producer is interested in auditioning both Julia and Mariana for parts in a TV series. Mariana tells Julia to calm down because it’s just an audition and it’s not a sure thing, but Julia is an eternal optimist and wants to start celebrating right away. She proposes a romantic dinner, followed by dancing.

Mariana: Oh, my love, I’m sorry. I agreed to have dinner with Hernan.

Julia: Oh, okay, well then I guess it will be a non-romantic dinner. But then we really do have to go out dancing because I really, really want to.

Mariana: Yes, my love, but … how do I tell you this without upsetting you? It’s just that there’s a lot of things still to fix with Hernan and I would really like it if it was just the two of us. I mean, just to avoid awkwardness.

Julia: Well, okay. Why would I get mad? But you do owe me going out to party, you can’t get out of that.

I don’t know, Mariana, leaving your girlfriend alone right now sounds like a bad idea. Especially when your girlfriend is Julia Aparicio. But what do I know about women?

That evening, Mariana has dinner with Hernan. Hernan tells her that he wants to tell her something, something he’s never told anyone before and only wants his own daughter to know.

Meanwhile, Julia is … well, where else would she be but at Armando’s?

They’re talking about Valeria and Armando tells Julia that he slept with her but that he doesn’t think he should have. Julia snaps at him and asks if it’s because she hurt his ego somehow, but Armando says that it’s not it at all.

Armando: I feel like … like, I’m wasting my life and my love. Like I’m wasting my kisses and I feel like … like I’m going to end up alone and make it so that other people end up alone.

Sigh. I need a drink.

Julia: Well … I’m surprised. I’ve never heard you talk like this. On the one hand I feel bad that you ended things with this girl but on the other, it’s great that you’re thinking like this. I think it’s important for you to finally grow and for you to realize that you can’t go through life –

Yeah, there’s a shocker.

Over at Mariana’s, Hernan is telling Mariana a heartbreaking story from his days as a doctor in the war and how he had only ten minutes to evacuate with his patients but that there wasn’t enough time to get everyone to a safe zone, so they were forced to take refuge underground.

Hernan: Suddenly, two soldiers entered … and I fired. They were two young kids. I couldn’t speak for four or five days. The screwed up thing is that wars are organized and planned and used as business by adults but the ones they send to kill each other are the kids.

Over at Armando’s, the kiss didn’t get him very far. In fact, Julia’s rather upset.

Also – and this may surprise some of you – she’s confused. Yes. She gets there and she’s only about 20% confused and then by the time she leaves she’s like … 1000% confused. Which is a lot of confusion for one poor lesbisexual. Oh noes, poor Julia. Her life is so hard.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That’s hard.

Yes, thank you, Sue.

Armando tells Julia he can’t help himself because he has a lot of feelings.

Julia: You have to understand that you and I are no longer together. You have to understand that, seriously.

Armando wants to make their friendship bigger. I don’t know what that means. I guess he wants it to take over the universe, like the blob. Julia tells him to please stop kissing her, then, because all it does is confuse her.

Back at Mariana’s, Hernan is still breaking everyone’s hearts. He tells Mariana about how he lost his love, the female doctor he met during the war. He was forced to leave her behind at her insistence in order to help some patients get to safety. There were some patients that were not in any condition to be moved so his girlfriend insisted on staying behind with them. When he went back for her, he found that she, the patients, and a couple of the volunteers that remained had all been killed.

Hernan: I was left with three terrible regrets: having killed those two kids … letting my partner die … and never having met you.

*hands out tissues*

Mariana: To me, you’re a hero. I am so grateful that you told me all of this. I’m so sorry.

Hernan tells her that he wants to win back all the time lost between them, even though he knows that time is the thing you can never get back. He promises to be a really loving father from now on.

*sniff*

In episode 57, we pick things up with Julia and Mariana in bed together, which, sadly, sounds far more exciting than it actually is. Mariana is looking at war videos online and Julia is beside her, looking … I don’t know. Like she’s probably fantasizing about Armando.

Then we move on to the following morning, where Mariana is still on the computer, but has now moved from the bed to her desk.

Julia: On Twitter so early?

Mariana: No. I was just reading some things. How are you?

Julia: Good. And you?

Mariana: Good.

Julia: How did it go with Hernan?

Mariana: Good. A little intense, but good.

Julia brings over the script for that TV series that we all forgot about. They only have one hour to prepare for it and Mariana doesn’t even know what it’s about. Julia tells her. It’s basically about two friends who fight over the same guy and also (*FORESHADOWING ALERT*) the question of whether or not it’s possible for there to exist love between three people.

Mariana says it sounds cool, but Julia thinks it sounds lame.

Julia: TV writers have no imagination! Everything is always about a love triangle. Why don’t they write about a foursome or a sixsome or something like that … something more original.

Mariana: Don’t joke. It’s already complicated enough without adding a third, fourth or sixth…

Julia: Well yeah. But imagine how much fun it will be. You and me … fighting over a man. That hasn’t happened in like … a thousand years.

Mariana: A thousand? More like never.

Julia brings up an Abraham from their youth that she insists Mariana had a crush on, except that Mariana insists she did not have a crush on him; she just wanted to steal his Power Rangers lunchbox. Julia gives up on the argument but says that regardless, Mariana is going to have to do something she hasn’t done in maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany years.

Mariana: What’s that?

Julia: Kiss a man.

Mariana: NO!

But yes. It’s in the script.

Mariana: What if he has a beard? No. I have a better idea. What if you and I rehearse that scene?

Julia: But I can’t help you. I don’t have a beard, my love.

That’s what I call having a leg up on the competition. Hahaha. Ahem. Sorry.

Later, on set, things that should never happen are happening.

Things get heated (barf) and Julia (theoretically in character) walks on set. At the sight of Mariana making out with this guy, her first thought is this:

Which is a scene from the very first episode. And also? WTF, Julia?! Your first thought when seeing your girlfriend making out with someone should be, “I am going to punch this dude in the face,” it should not be Random Memory of Ex-Boyfriend Sleeping With Random Redhead.

Sigh. I need another drink.

The director yells, “Cut!” And Mariana takes the opportunity to tell Julia to hurry up next time because the guy has a beard and she’s being tortured. As are we all.

Afterwards, the director tells them both to stick around, which sounds like good news. Mariana says that if they get the part, she’s coming with a razor next time to shave the guy’s beard. Julia tells her not to exaggerate because from where she was standing Mariana looked very into it.

Julia: I was thinking, ‘A few more takes, and this girl flips her canoe.’

And I am totally using that expression from now on because it is awesome.

Mariana isn’t sure she wants to take the part, which Julia thinks is crazysause and starts listing the many reasons why Mariana has to take the part. Then someone turns off the lights on set which is their cue to move into a brighter corner and make out.

Meanwhile, Armando tries getting a date, or, more likely, a one night stand, with someone I assume he used to have no trouble getting into his bed. Unfortuntely, now that he’s no longer a hotshot soccer player, he’s having a much harder time of things. He could always try Alma’s escort service. Just sayin.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia is saying that Mariana is too tense and starts massaging her shoulders.

In the process of enjoying her relaxing massage, Mariana has an epiphany.

Mariana: Hernan came to Mexico to die.

What?! No! Okay, yeah, probably.

But we’ll deal with that later, because after we cut from Julia and Mariana and move on to other things, we come back, and things are happening that should always be happening.

Except… of course… things that should never happen are happening in Julia’s mind…

Or maybe in Armando’s…

But more likely in both.

.fin

Who wants to go out for drinks? I’m paying.

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

We kick off episode 52 pretty much where we left off episode 51, with Mariana still chatting with Hernan about life, the universe, everything. Hernan has a lot of questions and one of them is how, having been BFF for so long, Mariana and Julia suddenly realized that they wanted to do naughty things to each other. Well, he didn’t say it quite like that, but still.

And because no lesbian relationship in the history of lesbian relationships has ever been described as “simple,” Mariana says: “It’s complicated.” Is that what their Facebook status reads or are they saving that for later?

Mariana: In truth, I needed … no, I didn’t need … I was very clear on the fact that I’d been in love with Julia for a long time, that my life without her didn’t exist. But I needed someone from outside of our microcosm to tell me, so that I could react … and now I’m with Julia. And that other person … was Dany. My ex-girlfriend. The one who loves yoga.

Hernan: Ah yes! The one who loves yoga.

Mariana: So, now Julia and I are together.

Hernan: But, it’s the good kind of love? I mean, it’s the lasting sort, the one not dependent on passion… love.

Mariana: That’s actually the problem. It’s the best kind of love. The only kind of love. I think? I don’t really know the word, but it’s too good at times and I feel like the passion can ruin it because … Well, friendships last forever, but love between couples doesn’t.

Hernan: Well, that happens to all of us.

Yes! That reminds me of this one relationship I was in … but, well, it was complicated.

The next day, Julia is over at Casa Aparicio talking to Mercedes and Alma about relationships. Mercedes has Big Problems because she wants 24/7 nekkid time with Claudio, and around him she turns into a 21-year old wet t-shirt champion nymphomaniac that wants to kick everyone out of the office so she can … er, going over cases with him. Problem is she doesn’t trust him as boyfriend material.

Alma also has Big Problems because she wants Alejandro. I mean, Leonardo. I mean, Alejandro. Well, both. At the same time. Maybe. I’m not sure. She’s not sure. No one is sure. Look at him. Now back at me. Now back at him. Now back at me. I’m on a horse.

Julia, for a change, does not have Big Problems. She’s “cool” because she’s got all her feelings in order.

Julia: One of us three had to be totally clear and zen.

Heh. Heh. Oh, wait, I think she’s serious. HAHAHAHAHA!

Over at a nearby park, Hernan and Mariana walk together and Hernan tells Mariana some tales from when she was little. We learn that Mariana’s first word was, “No.” She liked to say no to everything, even soup. (Like Mafalda!) Her second word was, “Dad,” and Hernan is wondering when he’ll get to hear her say that again. Not quite yet. But they make plans to meet for lunch at Casa Aparicio.

Armando is still attending Alma’s class, and so is this other girl who’s trying to get a life for her clingy mother. I think he thinks she’s pretty. Alma thinks so too because after class she makes him write, “I will not check out hot chicks in Alma’s class,” a hundred times on the whiteboard. Also, I guess he’s invited to the meal at Casa Aparicio because he tells Alma he’ll see her there. Oh. Yay.

And indeed, over at Casa Aparicio, Armando helps clean some beans in an effort to be “productive.” Mariana arrives and seems somewhat surprised to find Armando there, given that the last time she saw him he was kicking her out of his apartment. He tells them that even if they don’t believe him, he’s intending to take them up on the offer of friendship.

A little later, Armando molests some beans while Julia and Mariana try to talk about Mariana’s day. Armando attempts to hold a conversation with Aurelia about himself and his classes at Alma’s because he wants to show everyone how enlightened he’s become. Mariana is irritated because mostly, she wants him to go away. But then, he starts comparing a bean to a woman’s G-spot.

Mariana: … the G-spot is not like a bean. And you’re only learning about this now? Poor you, all these years living in ignorance.

Armando: The G-spot is so wonderful that you only squeeze it and you can project or I don’t know, provoke, a lot of pleasure in a woman.

Mariana: Oh yeah? And how do you know about a woman’s pleasure?

Aurelia: Isn’t the G-spot something you find after many years… and a lot of experience?

Mariana: Well, how strange, because I found it right way, no, my love?

Julia smiles at that. And then Aurelia cuts the conversation short by asking Armando to set the table. Mariana, left alone with Julia, expresses her annoyance at Armando’s sudden interest in exploring his feminine side. Julia apologizes and agrees that he’s insufferable. But more than finding him insufferable, Mariana is suspicious of his intentions. Julia explains that he called to say he was bored and that he couldn’t do anything with his arm like that, and asked if she could teach him how to cook so he could do something productive with his time and she didn’t know how to say no.

Mariana: That’s the problem with you, Julia, you don’t know how to say no to that guy.

Julia says nothing because it’s true. I guess Julia’s first word wasn’t, “No.”

After dinner, Julia and Mariana are in the kitchen, helping with the dishes. Armando comes in and asks to help. They wonder at his desire to help with domestic tasks but he says that he notes them looking tired and wants to be of aid. Then Julia gets some soap in her eye and Armando beats Mariana to the punch in helping Julia. Mariana walks over to help but Julia doesn’t even notice her.

Mariana: I’m leaving, Julia.

Julia: What? Why?

Mariana: There are too many hands on one plate.

Way too many. Mariana storms off.

In episode 53, we pick things up a little later that night. Julia is at Mariana’s apartment and the two are arguing about the soap-in-the-eye incident. Julia doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Julia: It’s only Armando!

Mariana: Oh, it’s only Armando! Julia, you’re going to drive me crazy. I swear to you. You have to understand that he’s your ex-boyfriend. It’s logical that I’m like this.

Julia: You’ve said it. EX-boyfriend, which means past. And you’re now my girl, which means present. Don’t you understand the difference?

Mariana: Of course I understand, but I also see, very clearly, what his intentions are, and they’re not good. And honestly, I’m not cool with it, because I can’t stop thinking that he wants something with you and that there’s something there between you still. I just … no, no…

Blah. Blah. Lesbian arguments. Blah. Mariana tells her she’s had this argument before, with Dany, only that Julia was Armando. Julia asks how that argument ended and Mariana admits that they made up. Julia smiles and asks if she can please approach her now. Mariana, whose picture appears next to the definition of the word “whipped” (right next to Jane Rizzoli’s picture, actually), doesn’t say no, so Julia takes her cue.

Mariana says that dating Julia is difficult because she feels like Armando’s ghost is haunting everything. Julia finds this amusing. It takes 3.5 seconds of Julia touching Mariana to soften her up into a ball of goo. So, argument over.

The next day, the two of them are sharing a cute moment alone, which obviously means that Armando is about to show up. But first, Julia asks what Hernan and Mariana talked about the day before and Mariana confesses that they spoke about her and Julia’s relationship. Naturally, Julia wants to know what was said. Mariana tries to be vague, but that doesn’t work.

Julia: I mean, did you tell him about the whole process of how we went from being best friends to being in love?

Mariana: What? You mean you’re in love with me?

And then the cuteness shrivels up and dies because guess who’s there? Yes. Armando. On the plus side, no one is happy about it.

Mariana: No. It can’t be.

Julia: NooOoOoOoooo.

Armando shows up … with pie. Mmm, pie. Wait, what am I saying? It’s EVIL PIE. Armando made it with “love.” And by love, he means, “I made it so I’d have a reason to show up here and interrupt whatever alone time you two have. Have a slice.”

They invite him in. They try the pie. It is, unsurprisingly, not very good. Armando thanks them for their honest opinion.

Julia leaves them alone for a second, and Mariana takes the opportunity to face-off with her nemesis.

Mariana: What are you plotting?

Armando: What do you mean?

Mariana: No one believes that you’re trying to find your feminine side.

Armando: The only reason I came here was so you’d try my pie. You’re the one getting all Alpha Male and territorial, not letting anyone near her woman, even if they come with with good intentions.

Mariana: Good intentions my balls, you ass.

Armando: Not good, Marianita. Not good. I can tell you know nothing about women.

It saddens me to say this, but score one for Armando, because really, Mariana, you’re falling right into his Evil Plot. Jealous Girlfriends are far less attractive to confused lesbisexuals than Men With Pies.

That evening, Julia is looking at a magazine on Mariana’s bed, while Mariana paces around her room. Julia tells her to please come to bed because she’s making her dizzy.

Mariana: I can’t stop thinking that Armando is right.

Julia: Right about what?

Mariana: Do you think I’m acting like a territorial male?

Julia has no idea what Mariana is talking about, but Mariana is concerned that she’s acting like a dog that’s peeing around her territory. Julia reminds her that she’s not Mariana’s territory.

Mariana: I know I’m acting like an idiot. I get that perfectly. But … and I know we’ve already talked about this, and that you’re not my territory and that I’m not yours … but, metaphorically speaking, Julia, I need to have some type of … certainty.

Julia: I thought you and I thought the same way. That our philosophy was that no one belonged to anyone in the world … but, well … if you need me to tell you, I will tell you. I am yours and no one else’s.

Mariana: Really?

Julia: *eyeroll*

And cue some kissing…

Onwards, to episode 54. We find Julia in Mariana’s kitchen. I guess she kind of liked Armando’s pie because she reaches in the fridge for another slice. This triggers Thoughts of the Bad Kind.

She decides to toss the Pie of Evil away, but that doesn’t help. She’s still fantasizing about sex with Armando. Ew. Bad knowledge.

Mariana wanders into the kitchen and whines about being hungry. Hungry enough to eat the Pie of Evil, but Julia tells her that she tossed it. But since her girl is hungry, Julia tells her she’ll make her something to eat. Something healthy.

Alma is discussing the issue of jealousy with her class, something that seems to be giving Armando some big ideas. He keeps glancing at the girl in his class, and you can see the wheels turning in his head. Not good.

After class, he talks to Ileana about how he’s going to get Julia back. Ileana is happy to hear him talking like that because he needs to “get her away from those lesbian friendships.” He then spots Valeria, the girl from class, and tells her that he’s got a proposal for her.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia and Mariana are rehearsing some scenes. The phone rings and Julia stops Mariana from answering. On the machine, Armando leaves a message inviting them both on a double dinner date with a girl he just met.

Julia doesn’t sound happy about this double date idea, but Mariana is all for it, since they all agreed to be friends.

Mariana: Unless that makes you jealous?

Julia: I am not jealous! Who told you I was jealous? I just think it’s inappropriate and … stupid.

Mmm. Hmm.

Later on, they’re at Armando’s, helping him prepare dinner. Or rather, preparing the dinner for him. Julia asks questions, like “So how did you meet her?” in a tone that makes her sound like a jealous ex-girlfriend.

Armando: I met her at the Atalier.

Julia: Alma’s Atalier? What were you doing there?

Armando: Nothing. Taking classes. They’re very interesting, by the way. I’m determined to be a new, refined sort of man. Kind of like a lesbian … but more cultured.

He leaves the kitchen and Mariana walks up to Julia and the two start to bicker until Valeria shows up. Julia turns up the Jealous Ex-Girlfriend knob to maximum, something that doesn’t escape Mariana’s attention.

The cozier Armando and Valeria get, the more annoyed Julia looks. She tries to funnel that jealousy by kissing Mariana in front of Armando, but Mariana isn’t stupid and can see right through that, which means the rest of the evening is not going to go very smoothly.

Armando, meanwhile, is cackling madly inside his head and rubbing his hands together, thinking, “I’ve got you now, Julia Aparicio. MUAHAHAHAHA.”

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Julia/Mariana (and Armando – unfortunately)

Julia and Mariana have moved on from cuddling on the patio to making breakfast and arguing over how they prefer their eggs cooked. Did these two even have a honeymoon stage?

Hernan arrives just in time to join them. He tells Mariana that he’s brought her a gift. Even though he’s super busy trying to save the world, he still has time to drop by a bookstore to pick up some relevant literary titles.

He hands Mariana a copy of Utopia by Thomas More. And shows them the book he bought for himself: The New Homosexuality: The Homosexual Experience. If it says “homosexual” in the title more than once it has to be double the gay. Since Hernan is a busy man, I imagine he figured this would make him Offically Cultured in the ways of Gay in half the time.

Hernan: And after that, I passed by a gay store. I was going to pick up a gay magnet for you.

I half expect Hernan to show up one episode wearing a vest with some pride flare on it:

Also, I totally have that shirt.

And then, because his name hasn’t been spoken for at least 5.2 seconds, Armando calls. Julia excuses herself from the table to have a conversation with her ex-boyfriend about 2 feet away from her girlfriend, which makes Mariana want to stab things and Hernan think, “Uh oh.”

Armando needs Julia’s help right now because the poor thing broke his arm while beating up Mariana’s plants and now it means he can’t function. I’m amazed he managed to pick up the phone at all in his condition.

Mariana tells Julia that she can go, if she wants, which is girlfriend speak for, “If you leave right now we are going to get into a massive fight when you get back.” Julia’s been a woman long enough to know that’s precisely what it means, so she sits back down and says she’s eating her breakfast.

She does go to Armando’s eventually, though. Armando proceeds to whine about his failed career as a soccer player and then states that Julia should get back together with him.

Armando: Why not? Tell me what happened that was so bad. Did you fake orgasms, or what?

Julia: Sometimes. Like any woman. But, so you know, mostly I had a good time.

And because real orgasms = the only necessary foundation of a happy relationship, Armando asks why, then, did she leave him in Spain.

Because of Mariana, Armando. MARIANA. The lesbian whose Kung Fu-fighting greenery broke your arm.

Julia: What I felt for her was very strong, the same as what I feel for you. I’m going to make you something to eat and you’re going to eat it or else I’m not leaving.

Julia Aparicio, ladies and gentlemen. Someday-author of The Idiot’s Guide to Lesbisexualism: The Art of Mixed Messages.

Meanwhile, Mariana sits alone on her futon watching TV, where the only commercial currently airing in Mexico is the infomercial she and Julia made. This only serves to make Mariana grumpier than she already was.

And then she decides to cheer herself up:

Mariana: Let’s see, Mariana, she’s with Armando. Trust her. Trust her.

Let’s see, Mariana, she’s with Armando. Don’t trust her. Don’t trust her.

Over at Armando’s, Julia prepares his meal while Armando sits around reading a magazine. And then he’s all, “Are you leaving already? Are you coming back tomorrow?” He’ll need her to come back to cut his toe nails, do his laundry and wipe his butt. It’s true love, people.

But Julia says she may or may not be back because any kind of black and white decision is too complicated for her to make, and wouldn’t the world be a better place if she could just come back and not come back at the same time?

Armando says that everything with Julia is always complicated, which I guess is a good thing because he looks intently into her eyes.

And then this happens:

We can surmise that this kiss was so earthshattering and amazing that it tossed Julia’s notions of monogamy right out the window.

But she somehow manages to resist him.

We open on episode 50 with him and Julia talking on the phone. Julia’s at Mariana’s and Mariana isn’t there because she “went out to do some things.” I can think of some things Mariana could be doing. And by “some things” I mean Julia. But they had sex that one time so they’re good to go for at least two or three years. Lesbians are like sexual camels.

Armando wants to know if Julia is going to tell Mariana about their kiss. Julia subscribes to the idea that kissing is No Big Deal and so she doesn’t see why she should tell Mariana anything.

Armando: But you told me that your relationship was based on trust…

Normally, yes, but honesty is really inconvenient for Julia right now.

Just then, Mariana returns from her late-night grocery shopping, and Julia quickly gets off the phone.

Mariana’s in good spirits and asks Julia how it went with Armando. Julia answers by being vague which naturally leads Mariana to question her further.

Mariana: Are we going to be one of those couples that doesn’t tell each other things?

Julia: No, I just wonder if you want to know the whole truth or if you just want to know things superficially.

Mariana: What a stupid question. Obviously, I want to know the truth.

Julia: Well, the truth is that nothing major happened. We just talked … and then he kissed me.

Mariana: He kissed you … or you kissed each other?

Julia: What difference does it make? He got close to me and–

Mariana: Did you sleep with him, Julia?

Julia: No, and that’s why I’m telling you. Because I want our relationship to be based on honesty.

Mariana: Thanks for your honesty, Julia.

Except, you know, she’s not really grateful, because even Mariana is not that much of a masochist. So she leaves and Julia slaps her own forehead and we move on.

While all of this has been going on, the other Aparicio women (and Hernan) have been hard at work trying to catch the man responsible for the kidnapping and sexual torture of a young girl. The girl’s been living at the Aparicio house and has warmed her way into everyone’s hearts.

The gravity of the girl’s situation leads Mariana to realize that there are bigger things in life than the issue of her girlfriend kissing Armando. So she sits Julia down for a talk.

Mariana: Julia, you and I have a home. We never lack for food.

Julia: We have a family…

Mariana: Family. Support. In the end, all of these arguments, all the bad moods, all the small details, the kiss with Armando, they’re things that … I don’t know, Julia, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth being angry at each other because of them, you understand? Because in the end, you and I have love. We have love, right?

Julia: Yes.

Phew. Crisis averted. Everything is sunshine and rainbows and fluffy bunnies again.

So then, Julia and Mariana, armed with their desire for world peace, go visit Armando. They spend about five minutes trying to get the nerve up to say what they came to say. Then they cryptically state that they have an offer for him. The writers thought it would be fun to end the episode there so that everyone watching could scream, “NOOOOO!!” And throw things at their screens.

No worries though. The offer was actually one of (platonic) love and peace, as we come to discover at the beginning of episode 51. They just want to be BFFs with him. It’s the Mature and Enlightened Thing To Do.

Armando responds to this offer with sarcasm, which leads to these faces:

Oh well, it was worth a try.

Armando: Mariana, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

So much for love and peace.

Later on, Julia and Mariana are cooking at the Aparicio house and Aurelia is going on about how fathers will go to the ends of the earth for their daughters and Julia subtly tries to get her to change the subject. Then Aurelia remembers that Mariana is in the room and tries to apologize. Mariana makes a big show about being upset, and Aurelia is beside herself with guilt until she realizes that Mariana is just pretending.

Meanwhile, Armando goes to Alma and asks her to convince Julia to go back to him. In the process, he tells Alma a huge secret that he makes her swear not to tell anyone. Sadly, we don’t find out what the secret is, although perhaps he’s discovered the Law of Attraction and doesn’t realize Rhonda Byrne already let the cat out of the bag. Regardless, Alma isn’t going to try to get Julia back together with him. But she does suggest that he explores his feminine side.

His response to that is something like:

And next thing we know, look who’s in Alma’s workshop?

Over at Apartment Torres Wilson, Hernan shows up per Mariana’s request. Hernan notices that she’s been reading Pinocchio and Mariana says she loves the part where the father battles through anything to find his son. Hernan starts to apologize, but Mariana stops him. She tells him that after the whole situation with Renata and learning everything she’s gone through, she realized that she’d been selfish, like Pinocchio. And she proposes to act less like Pinocchio if he’s willing to act more fatherly like Geppetto. Hernan agrees.

Elsewhere, Armando once against uses his Gay Person Stalking device to track Julia down. She happens to be at the gym. Armando’s had a change of heart and now wishes to be friends. They argue about this because they’re incapable of not arguing about everything. Julia doesn’t believe that Armando could be just friends with a woman, which makes me wonder why she and Mariana went all the way to his apartment to propose just that. But whatever. Armando says he’s changed.

He can change, he can change! Some people think that he’s a bad guy, they may be right … they may be right! But it’s not as if he doesn’t try … he just f*cks up, try as he might…

Julia: Did you smoke pot?

Probably. He goes into a monologue about a giant pendulum and also soccer and a team losing and winning and I spaced out. I’m not sure Julia’s following either but she seems to like this New And Improved Armando because she tells him to keep doing whatever he’s been doing.

Armando: So….friends?

He aims, he shoots … he SCORES.

Oh, goodie.

Meanwhile, Mariana and Hernan are bonding over things that make them feel super happy. You know what makes Mariana super happy?

Mariana: Julia’s smile.

Aww!

Hernan: You know what makes me a happy man? Knowing that I have a beautiful daughter, who’s brave and sure of herself. I love knowing that you’re so passionate. I love it. And it makes me the happiest man.

*sniff*

And that, my friends, is how we end the episode. It’s nice to see Mariana getting some love and affection, even if it’s not coming from Julia.

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Rafaela and Mercedes

Team up with Hernan, Claudio and Leonardo to help catch a pedophile. Meanwhile, the entire Aparicio household welcomes a kidnapped girl who suffered many years of sexual and emotional abuse. They provide her with shelter, love and friendship, while doing their best to bring her captor to justice.

Alma

Gives being with Alejandro a shot. But you know she’s going to go back to Leonardo eventually. Leonardo is still seeing Maximo’s ghost everywhere who keeps nudging him to investigate Rafaela and Alma.

Julia/Mariana (and Armando)

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, a bitter goddess cursed all the lesbians in Mexican soap operas:

Thou shalt not enjoy a moment of happiness, for if you should ever enjoy a moment of happiness, a curly-haired soccer player will return from Spain to confuse your lesbisexual girlfriend and other bad stuff will happen, too.

Well, it went something like that, anyway. It is rumored that this goddess failed out of the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good (And Want To Learn How To Do Other Things Good Too). But no one likes to talk about that.

What I’m trying to say is that Armando is back.

You know on Friends when Rachel finds Joey’s copy of The Shining in the freezer and Joey tells her that it got too scary so he had to put it in the freezer? Well, I am writing this recap from the freezer. And brr, it’s cold in here (there must be some toros in the atmosphere).

So where were we?

Okay, so Julia and Mariana have sex, which means that somewhere in Spain lightning lit up the sky and Armando’s lesbian virgin-alarm (designed to go off before Julia does) beeped violently, forcing him to jump into the nearest teleportation device and return to Mexico.

When episode 46 kicks off, we’re in the middle of an earthquake, which none of the Aparicio sisters notice because they’re busy creating earthquakes of their own. And by creating earthquakes I mean having sex.

The next morning at breakfast, Ileana greets them with, “Did you feel that earthquake?!” And Alma and Mercedes are like, “And by ‘earthquake’ you mean…?”

Over at Mariana’s, Julia delivers coffee through the drive-thru window in Mariana’s room, because breakfast in bed is too boring for Miss Julia Aparicio, who prefers to put an entire wall between her and the object of her affection.

Mariana is having trouble waking up but Julia lures her out of bed with the promise of coffee and then watches her get dressed, which seems to me like the opposite of what they should be doing.

Mariana joins Julia on the terrace and giggles shyly as Julia hands her some coffee.

Mariana: How are you?

Julia: I feel like the first time I’ve ever been with a girl.

Mariana: Do you have something to confess?

Julia: No I mean it literally.

They put down their coffee and Mariana pulls Julia closer.

Mariana: How are you?

Julia: How do I look?

Mariana: Gorgeous.

Julia: Well, I feel good. I feel stronger, happier. I don’t know, I feel like I have an earthquake in my head.

I think that’s called a migraine. But earthquakes in the head are apparently a good thing because they keep smiling and petting each other.

Mariana says that for her, the earthquake was a 10 on the Richter scale.

Julia: Oof, destruction.

Mariana: You destroy me.

Which sounds like a bad thing, but it’s backwards day and so it’s actually a good thing.

Later on, Julia looks online for auditions for the two of them, but like any good lesbian, Mariana wants to talk about feelings.

Mariana: I just want to know how you feel and what you’re going to tell your family.

Julia starts to say that she figures her family’s already expecting her to come crashing out of the closet any second, but before she can finish her monologue…

Julia: Armando, what are you doing here?

Armando: Julia, my love.

Mariana: No…

Julia: How did you get here? Why? When?

Answers: Teleportation device. To make lesbians cry. During the earthquake. In fact, his arrival caused the earthquake.

But no, Armando returned because without Julia he was suffering like Mariana in Spain. He had to come back and reclaim his love and in the process STOMP ALL OVER OUR HOPE. Oh, and also, they kind of kicked him out of the whole soccer world so he kind of had to come back. Julia tells him they should talk elsewhere and tells Mariana she’s going to go talk to him. Mariana knows her 2.5 seconds of happiness are almost up. On the plus side, she’s still alive, which is progress. Although I’d keep away from windows if I were her.

A little later, Hernan shows up to tell Mariana that he’s totally cool with her being a lesbian and that he’s sorry for saying dumb things. They agree to have a father-daughter dinner together so he can prove that he can be around his lesbian daughter without saying more dumb things. And even though Mariana is grumpy about Armando’s return, she’s pretty happy about Hernan’s acceptance.

Julia and Armando have lunch together. Julia avoids all the hard questions like, “Do you still love me?” Because seeing as she’s in love with Mariana, the answer should theoretically be, “No, I do not.” But Julia is a special and unique snowflake, full of complex emotions, so the answer to this question is an unspoken yes. But she tells Armando that things can’t be as they were before. Armando guesses that there’s someone else.

Armando: What’s the jerk’s name?

Julia: That jerk is named Mariana.

Smoke starts to come out of Armando’s ears and his nostrils flare and he glares and growls and tells Julia to stay away from him.

Instead of going to Mariana’s and telling her, oh, I don’t know, something, Julia goes to her mom’s house and sits around looking emo until Rafaela sits down and tells her that she’ll support all of Julia’s decisions and that she’ll be there for her no matter what, which would seem to me like a perfect moment to come out of the closet. But no.

So, Mariana. You know that dinner she was supposed to have with Hernan? Well, she prepared it but Hernan ends up standing her up.

While Mariana sits in her kitchen all alone, her father and her girlfriend are having dinner with the rest of the Aparicio family.

It takes Hernan all evening to remember that he’s got a daughter that he was supposed to have dinner with, which means he’s going to get a really nasty card for Father’s Day.

Julia spends the night at the Aparicio house, which I don’t understand because she and Mariana should’ve been locked in a bedroom for at least a week.

Armando has put his GPS (Gay Person Stalking) device to good use lately because he seems to find Julia no matter where she is. And so he shows up at the Aparicio house to start a huge fight, which brings all the Aparicios to the yard.

Julia: What are you doing here? I told you not to come back.

Armando: How could I not come back? I have to ask your forgiveness.

Julia: Forgiveness for what? For the way you talked to me or forgiveness for everything or…

Armando: Everything, Julia. Just forgive me, please.

Julia: There. Forgiven. But understand that this has nothing to do with you. You can leave without worries. I can’t believe that you don’t understand that this is something completely independent and that it has nothing to do with you.

Armando: Of course it has something to do with me. It has to do with me 100%. Because of me you’re a lesbian. You hate men.

Julia: No, Armando, you’re very wrong. I can’t believe you’d say so many stupid things in the same sentence! Seriously, don’t think of yourself as so important. I’m not a lesbian nor am I anything because of you!

Armando: It’s a phase.

Julia: What?!

Armando: I understand it! But we can get through it together.

Julia: A phase?

Armando: Yes!

Julia: Together? What are you talking about? I’m going to repeat myself one more time and I hope it’s the last time I have to tell you like this: I’m with Mariana BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH MARIANA! Because we love each other!

Ileana: You decided to stay with Mariana?!

Alma: ILEANA!

Ileana: What?

Julia: Thanks a whole lot for coming to ruin everything. Now could you please get out of here and we’ll talk some other time?

Well, that’s one way to come out to your family.

After that colorful outing, Ileana throws a tantrum about Julia being gay while the Aparicio women come down on her for her close-mindedness. Julia just stands there looking pained. She could’ve avoided all this by staying in bed with Mariana. Just saying.

Rafaela tells everyone to STFU.

Rafaela: Are you happy with Mariana?

Julia: (nods)

Rafaela: That’s the only thing that matters. If you’re happy, then the rest of us are happy. And count on all of our support.

Julia cries. Everyone hugs her.

At Mariana’s, Hernan comes to apologize for standing her up. Mariana is not having any of it. She tells him that if he wants to be a Dad to the rest of the world, to go be one, because she doesn’t need a father she never had. And ushers him out.

Back at the Aparicio house, Julia walks barefoot through the grass until Rafaela joins her.

Julia: That’s not how I wanted you to find out, mom. I’m sorry.

Rafaela: Things aren’t always how you want them to be. It makes me really happy that you’ve decided to end your confusions, even if the path you’re taking isn’t the easiest.

Julia: I know it’s not the easiest. I’m not stupid.

Rafaela: I just want you to know that your mother is your mother. Your family is your family. And we’re with you for whatever you need. Invite Mariana to dinner.

And finally, Julia smiles with relief.

Happy Julia calls up Mariana and they go out for lunch together, where Julia fills Mariana in on all the happenings and the Very Special coming out scene. And then they start joking around about creating a series about how Julia survived being an Aparicio. Meanwhile, Mariana gets touchy feely.

And some people at a nearby table get up and leave, which Julia interprets as them being uncomfortable with the lesbian PDA. But that’s impossible because Mercedes TOTALLY DEFEATED HOMOPHOBIA a few episodes ago. So my guess is they were just done with their meal.

Mariana: Your mom’s right. Things aren’t going to be easy.

Julia: I’m sorry, my love. Forgive me.

Mariana: It’s cool.

But it’s not so cool, because a little later they’re on set to shoot that informercial from a couple of episodes ago and Mariana confesses that she feels really uncomfortable about what happened. Julia explains that she’s new to all of this and she’s worried about the children and the old people who might not understand two girls holding hands at a restaurant.

Confused children and old people are the leading cause of violence in Mexico. They see two women holding hands and think, “My goodness, what is that? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?” And in their frazzled state they stumble into a passing waiter who falls head first into the cleavage of a big-breasted woman. Her possessive sumo wrestler of a husband yells, “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? GET OUT OF THERE!” and punches the waiter, sending him reeling into another group of people. The whole restaurant BREAKS INTO CHAOS. Someone calls the cops. The press arrives. The headlines the next day read: “LESBIANS HOLD HANDS, CAUSE RIOT.”

Mariana understands, she just wants to talk more because lesbian processing saves lives.

Later on, they go to Casa Aparicio for dinner and Mariana is nervous because she’s never been there as Julia’s girlfriend before. Rafaela arrives and hugs Mariana.

And then Mariana loses some of her shyness.

Then there’s dinner. Isadora voices her confusion and Mariana says that it’s also weird for her to be Julia’s girlfriend, but asks if it would be cool if they got used to it together. Then Ileana arrives. And Hernan. And Mercedes. And Aurelia starts her closing monologue while Julia feeds Mariana. I figure it’s because Mariana’s hands are busy under the table.

Episode 48 picks up during dessert. Ileana catches Hernan up on the events of the week before he arrived, telling him about Mariana getting harrassed by Rodo and his band of merry men. Then Mariana changes the subject and she and Julia go on to talk about their hilarious encounter with an overweight director. They’re giggling and falling over each other, which makes Ileana throw up a little in her mouth from all the cuteness. So she excuses herself to go read the Bible and piously masturbate to the porn beneath her mattress.

Later on, Julia and Mariana leave and Mercedes, Hernan and Rafaela remain. Mercedes points out that Mariana looks happy and Hernan agrees. Rafaela admits that she’s having a little bit of trouble understanding the relationship, even though she saw it coming for a long time. Hernan says it was hard for him at first. Mercedes says that for her, the only concern with the relationship is what would happen to their friendship should things not work out.

Rafaela: Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

Later that evening, Armando shows up at Mariana’s yelling for Julia. He’s stumbling over drunk. Julia isn’t at Mariana’s which means he must’ve left the GPS device at the bar. Mariana tells him that Julia isn’t there, but he doesn’t believe her and spends a few seconds searching the apartment.

Armando: Damnit, Mariana! Julia was my woman why did you get in between us?

Mariana: I didn’t get in between anyone.

Yet.

Anyway, he yells a lot and tells Mariana that Julia loves him so she’s going to leave Mariana any second now. Then he roars. And for a second I think he’s going to convert into a werewolf, which would make all of this way more fun. But he doesn’t. He just knocks over a flower pot with his arm and winds up in the emergency room. Mariana takes him.

The next morning, when they get back from the hospital, Mariana and Armando wind up at Armando’s new apartment. She makes fun of his artwork. Then Julia arrives and Mariana leaves them alone to talk about their feelings. Once Mariana leaves, Julia apologizes for avoiding him. But Armando is angry and calls Julia immature. Then he tries to open a beer bottle but seeing as he’s only got one good arm, he fails, so Julia opens it for him and tells him to come talk to her in the living room.

In the living room, Armando tells Julia why he got kicked off the soccer team, which essentially boils down to him refusing to sleep with the soccer director’s wife. His refusal offended her so she told her husband that Armando came on to her. This didn’t end well for Armando. So, now he has lost everything – his career, his love – and Julia tells him not to be dramatic, because only she’s allowed to be dramatic.

Julia suggests that they become BFF, but Armando says no because BFFs don’t have sex with each other and that means it’s a raw deal for him.

Later on, Julia and Mariana do what any two girls in love do: Sit around talking about the one girl’s ex-boyfriend.

Mariana is playing on her phone while Julia talks about Armando. I’m sure she’s tweeting something like, “I should be having sex right now. #sufrocomoyosola.”

Finally, Julia notices that Mariana isn’t happy, and asks why ever not. Mariana points out that they’re not best friends any more and that her job description no longer reads, “Listen to girlfriend talk about ex.” But Julia wants to have her cake and eat it, too, and she doesn’t understand why she can’t talk about her ex-boyfriend to her girlfriend and have her girlfriend care. It’s mystifying.

But later that evening, Julia gets tired of sitting around all alone and joins Mariana in bed. Mariana is still annoyed, but she’s also whipped beyond recognition so it takes approximately half a second for Julia to make her laugh. And laughing leads to cuddling.

And though she can feel the clouds of inevitable doom gathering overhead, Mariana does her best to hold on to her happiness.

Continue to the next recap. Or check out all the recaps!

Rafaela

Rafaela continues her on-going chess game with Leonardo in an effort to figure out what he’s up to and what he wants.

Alma

Alma just can’t quit Leonardo. No matter how little she trusts him. Poor Alejandro. He still hopes to get her in the end.

Mercedes

Mercedes finally gives in to Claudio’s advances and they sleep together in his office. But that doesn’t mean she trusts him with her heart.

Julia/Mariana

Well, Mariana got the girl, sort of, but is it happily ever after? Of course not. Everyone knows that the moment a lesbian is happy on television the Earth will cave into itself and unleash unimaginable horrors upon the land (some who watch The Real L Word will claim that this has already happened).

And so, while these two should, by all accounts, be rolling around naked in bed, they are, instead, processing the return of Hernan (Mariana’s long lost father). Mariana feels scared because even though she doesn’t know Hernan, it’s like he knows a part of her that she herself doesn’t know. Julia tells her that there’s no part of her that should ever scare her.

Mariana then says maybe she should get some sleep and Julia says she’s going to sleep on the futon because things between them are still complicated and sleeping beside each other might lead to X-rated things like snuggling and hair-braiding.

But kissing is okay.

The next day, Julia shows up at Mariana’s bearing groceries and good news. The good news is that Isadora (Mercedes’ daughter) is out of the hospital.

Julia: She came out without an appendix but happy.

Mariana: Take me to the hospital.

Julia: What? You too? Do you feel sick or what?

Mariana: I want to see if I come out without Hernan but happy.

The topic shifts to Mariana’s mother, whom Mariana was supposed to talk to about Hernan’s return. But Mariana says that once she heard her mother’s voice she couldn’t bring herself to raise the topic.

Mariana says Hernan checked into a motel, and Julia thinks that might be a good thing, to have him around but sort of far away at the same time, but Mariana looks undecided. But before the conversation can continue, the phone rings.

Every time Julia’s phone rings, a piece of Mariana’s soul shrivels up and dies. Or maybe it’s just my soul.

Anyway, we already know who it is because Mariana and Julia aren’t allowed to exchange more than three lines of dialogue without what’s his face interrupting. So we’re not at all surprised when Julia moves away into the terrace to answer the phone.

Armando has fallen butt-first into the Pit of Despair because he’s been kicked off the soccer team and Bad Stuff Is Happening To Him. And Julia’s like, “What happened?” But Armando doesn’t go into details, just says, “DON’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY! IT IS ALL LIES! LIES!”

But really what this scene is about is to warn us that ARMANDO IS COMING BACK TO RUIN MARIANA’S ONE AND A HALF SECONDS OF HAPPINESS. My theory is that Mariana is secretly the female version of Angel and we’re not supposed to know this yet.

But there’s no chance of Mariana losing her soul quite yet because she’s not happy at all about Julia answering Armando’s call. Julia apologizes but the bigger issue – for Mariana – is that Julia didn’t tell him about their relationship. Julia says it’s because whatever’s between them isn’t very clear yet and he’s in a crisis.

Mariana: You didn’t tell him in order to protect him. To take care of him. Whatever it is that’s happening between us you didn’t want to tell him about in order to protect your boy. So instead, why don’t you just take care of me?

Julia: Okay, I’m just going to shut up. I’m sorry.

Mariana: You know it’s like that guy never left. He’s still standing right here between us. Just like Hernan.

Later on, at Casa Aparicio, the family – and Hernan – are having a meal together and Hernan is talking about why he left. Essentially it was because he wanted to fight for a better world and it’s hard to be a revolutionary while being a part of the system. Ileana says that he left to do all those things he claimed to want to do and because those things didn’t work out now he was back. She tells him he should take responsibility for his actions and for Mariana’s feelings.

Hernan is totally in agreement and says that kids should not be responsible for their parents’ mistakes. And starts to say that when he was younger they believed in utopias like equality and liberty.

And then Mariana shows up to call b.s. on his whole Utopian fantasy excuse.

After what I’m sure was a very pleasant meal, Mariana and Hernan retire to the living room, where Mariana tells him that when she was little her mother’s friends had a nickname for him: Utopio. She hadn’t understood the nickname until now.

Hernan asks Mariana about the letters he’d write to her but Mariana says she never saw them. He says in the letters he tried to explain himself but that it doesn’t matter now. And that it’s even more of a reason for her to listen to him.

Mariana: I have to listen to you. For what? So you feel better? To relieve your guilt? I don’t have to do anything for you, Hernan.

Hernan: Don’t do it for me. Do it so you understand what happened in your own story.

Score 1 for Hernan.

Later on, Hernan shows up at Mariana’s because Mariana called him. She’s still not happy about any of it and says her life is really complicated and he’s shown up and ruined everything. But she still wants to know his story, so that she’s not left with the uncertainty of it.

Over at the Aparicio household, Ileana and Julia are watching sports news to find out what’s going on with Armando. Because sports people speak an entirely different language, neither Ileana nor Julia know what’s going on with Armando’s situation. Alma suggests maybe Julia talk to Armando, but Julia starts to hyperventilate because talking to Armando will lead him to ask about her life and she can’t possibly tell him she’s with Mariana now. That would be like … having to be honest about her feelings and making her decision official and coming out to her ex-boyfriend. It’s TOO HARD.

At which point Sue Sylvester pops in to yell, “You think this is hard? I’m passing a gallstone as we speak! That’s hard!”

But back at Mariana’s, Hernan is narrating his life story and Mariana’s eyes are all teary as she listens to him talk about how he wanted to make the world a better place for her. He left at first as a volunteer doctor and all the misery that he saw convinced him to make a bigger sacrifice and take on those responsibilities with everything he had.

Mariana: And one of those responsibilities you had was falling in love with that woman…

Hernan doesn’t have a ready-made answer for that one, so we let Aurelia start up her closing narration, as we move on to episode 44.

It turns out that Alma, on top of being a doctor, mathematician, astronaut, marine biologist, neurologist, gallery owner, and escort service leader, is also a witch. Or so claims Ileana when Mercedes pops in to see what her sisters are up to. Alma explains that they’re playing Tell Me, Wax, Tell Me; a game of mystery, magick and candle wax.

Mercedes is familiar with the game and sits down to play.

Essentially, you ask the candle wax a question, pour some into a bowl of water, and then whatever it does in the water is your answer.

The conversation between Mariana and Hernan is still going on. Hernan confesses that while he didn’t leave because of that woman, he did stay because of her. He explains that what she gave him was something beyond the physical. They both shared a passion for the work they were doing.

Hernan: Mariana, when you’re there, in the jungle, in the fight, you’re very lonely. You have a lot of people around you that would give their life for you, but you’re alone. And she was there. Of course I fell in love. But I also fell in love with her clarity and her intelligence, for her passion for the fight. There was no way to separate one thing from the other. She revealed to me the reasons for why I was there…

Mariana asks what happened to her and Hernan says it ended, like everything does.

Las Aparicio are still playing the candle wax game and I’m not sure that anyone has gotten a particularly mind-blowing answer to anything. Though that doesn’t stop them from using the game to tease Mercedes about when she’ll stop being stupid and sleep with Claudio.

Back at Mariana’s, the conversation continues and they discuss why Hernan came back. Mariana asks if he came back because he’d finished things off with the woman and he says he came back because he’d realized that he’d given his life for everyone but for his own family. Mariana tells him that he doesn’t even know her and he agrees but that given the chance, he’d love to know more about her.

Mariana’s not up for talking about herself (a.k.a. coming out), but she tells Hernan that he can crash on her couch.

The next day, Hernan is looking through Mariana’s bookshelves and opens a book to find a picture of Mariana and Dany stuck between the pages. Wasn’t that picture framed a few episodes back when he broke into her apartment?

He says her friend looks like Julia, which I think just means Hernan has a functioning gaydar because other than their both loving Mariana, I don’t think they have much in common. Hernan then apologizes for looking through her stuff and says he just wants to know more about her.

But Mariana’s still not up for the big revelation about her sexuality, which is really what talking about herself would entail, so she shoots off some quick answers to his questions about what she loves and what moves her and sends him on his merry way.

Later on, Julia’s over and they’re doing what two girls who are in a Complicated Relationship do best together: cook.

Julia: Did you fix everything with your dad? Did you come out of the closet and everything?

I think Julia should write a book called How To Solve All Your Problems The Julia Aparicio Way. Got an issue? Julia Aparicio can help! Did your father abandon you when you were four? Is he suddenly back? Are you having trouble restoring that relationship? Well, come out of the closet! Problem solved! Are you in love with more than one person at once and can’t decide between them? Are they both in love with you? Well, date them both at the same time and convince them that this is a good idea!

Oops, getting way ahead of myself.

Back to this.

Mariana: It’s not that simple. I don’t want to talk about my sexuality to a perfect stranger like Hernan.

Julia: What do you mean a stranger? He’s your father! What if instead of a picture of Dany he’d found the picture of some guy. Wouldn’t you have told him, ‘Yeah, it’s my boyfriend,’ or something like that?

Mariana: Well, yeah.

But Mariana is scared about being rejected by her father once he knows the truth, which is understandable given her stepfather’s reaction.

A little later, Armando shows up.

No, not that Armando. Armando from the Atelier! Who? Yeah, I didn’t know him either. He’s just there to pick up the food for the cafe.

Julia also thought it was the other Armando and freaked out.

Mariana: It wasn’t the other Armando. Why, have you talked to him?

Julia: No, of course not. That’s why I almost had a heart attack. I can’t talk to him. What am I going to say? ‘Oh yeah, I’m totally in love… I have a girlfriend.’ I can’t tell him about us Mariana. Not now. He’s got a lot of problems–

Mariana: Could it be that you don’t want to talk to him because you miss him too much and it hurts?

Julia: No. That’s not why. It’s honestly because I don’t want to hurt him. The guy is in a bad place. I can’t hurt him like that right now.

Mariana: Yeah, poor him.

But Mariana gets over it and later on the two of them are in Mariana’s bedroom doing what any two girls in love with each other do when they’re alone in a bedroom together: rehearse for an audition.

There’s also some tickling.

And some kissing.

And some peeping Hernans.

Don’t worry, Hernan, they’re just practicing for boys.

Like any responsible father who’s just spotted his daughter making out with her best friend, Hernan dives for cover when Julia finally passes by on her way out of the apartment.

Later on, he’s in Mariana’s apartment, trying to figure out how to broach the subject.

Hernan: Mariana, you and Julia are really good friends? I mean, you love each other? You have a lot of affection for one another?

Why yes, Hernan, they like to wrap their legs around each other in friendship.

Mariana: Yes…why?

Hernan: Nothing … I’m just glad that you have friends like that. And male friends? Do you have many?

Mariana: No. Not many.

Hernan: You get along better with women…

Mariana: Yes… Why are you asking me so many questions?

Hernan: They’re just stupid questions in the process of getting to know you.

Mariana: We both know what you want to ask me. Say it.

Hernan: No but … what do you think I wan to ask you?

Mariana: Seriously. Talk.

Hernan: No…no… I don’t think I want to ask anything else.

Mariana: You know what? If you want to know me, then I think you need to hear it, even though I suspect you already know. I’m gay, Hernan.

Hernan: That’s fine…

Mariana: It’s fine? Just like that?

Hernan then starts babbling about tolerance and diversity which makes Mariana point out that he sounds like a human rights PSA.

From then on it all goes down hill because Hernan successfully hits all of Mariana’s sore points by using terms like “lifestyle” and telling her that people’s close-mindedness will force her to live in secrecy. Mariana argues that she lives more openly than a lot of straight people.

And then Hernan pisses her off some more.

Hernan: I just hope this preference of yours isn’t caused by my abandoning you. That it’s not my fault.

Mariana: Your fault? As if what I am were a bad thing? Don’t worry, Hernan. What I am is nothing bad. It’s a privilege, okay? And you have nothing to do with me.

Hernan goes on to say that there’s a lot of variables and that him abandoning her might’ve led her to see men in a certain way and that sometimes children see their life experiences as a form of punishment. And so on and so forth.

Mariana: You’re just the same as that asshole American. You know what, Hernan? I already had my process. You weren’t there. I don’t have to be there for yours.

Over at Casa Aparicio, Alma runs into Julia who tells her that she’s now 100% CERTAIN that she’s gay. Mariana’s toaster oven is now in the mail. High five! In fact, Julia’s so sure that she’s gay that she’s signing up for the whole gay package.

Julia: That includes gay wedding, gay adoption, gay pride flag …

Is there a discount if you sign up for the whole gay package at once? I’d like to see the brochure.

Julia is worried about Mariana’s reaction to her Official Coming Out. I’m not sure, but I think all the making out, and the being in a relationship, complicated or otherwise, probably gave Mariana a hint that Julia isn’t straight. But what do I know?

Alma brings up He Who Should Not Be Named and Julia says that he’s in Spain, he left for Spain. And because Spain is in a galaxy far, far away, it means Julia is free to be gay.

My scientific research concludes that Julia’s sexuality is determined by her distance from points A and M. The further away J is from A, the gayer she is. The closer she is to both A and M, the more confused she is. Note that she only lasted about three seconds away from M. My solution is for Girly to show up and shoot Armando into space. All our problems would be solved.

Alma: Are you totally sure you don’t want anything with him?

Oh, but that she would say yes.

Alas…

Later on, Julia eats her breakfast standing up in the kitchen because she has a casting call with Mariana and she’s late. Rafaela takes the opportunity to ask Julia whether Mariana told her father that she’s gay.

Julia tells Rafaela that it’s none of her business, which is a concept that Rafaela Aparicio will never understand. Everything is Rafaela’s business. She collect’s people’s affairs like baseball cards. So of course Mariana coming out is her business.

Julia then starts rambling about how coming out is difficult for all parties involved. Julia asks Rafaela to put herself in Hernan’s shoes.

Julia: How would you feel if I told you I was gay, for example?

Rafaela: I’d be happy. I’d love you the same.

But Julia says that Rafaela is a special and unique snowflake of a mother and more traditional parents would have a problem with their daughter coming up to them and saying, “I’m gay and I have sex with my girlfriend.” Is that how we’re doing it now?

She then excuses herself to go to the audition.

After the audition, Mariana and Julia joke about how they landed the infomercial and how embarrassing it will be when it actually airs. They run into Hernan who is waiting for Mariana in front of her apartment.

Hernan asks if he can borrow Mariana’s computer. Hernan goes to use Mariana’s computer and Julia and Mariana go to the kitchen, where Mariana tells Julia that Hernan saw them kissing and now knows she’s gay.

Julia is kind of freaking out about it and then Mariana tells her to imagine what’ll happen if Hernan decides to call Rafaela his in-law to her face.

Julia: Why would he call her his in-law? We’d have to be together for that to happen.

Mariana: Well, that’s what he thinks because he saw us kissing.

Julia: I have to talk to you about something, but I know it’s not the best time…

Hernan and his impecable timing interrupt this conversation. He’s having trouble with the computer and Mariana goes to help him.

Later on, Hernan is gone and Mariana and Julia are still in the kitchen. Mariana asks Julia to tell her what she wanted to tell her.

Julia: I wanted to tell you … well, that I already expressed to you that I’m sure … and that I’m happy … and that I want to be with you. True?

Mariana: True.

Julia: Well, now … I need for you to tell it to me.

Mariana: Calm down, Aparicio! Julia, come here.

Mariana: Julia Aparicio, I love you. And I want to be with you.

Julia: Finally, you tell me! Now show me.

And then, in the middle of all that awesomeness we learn that…

HEEEEEE’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!

Sigh.

Let’s just enjoy this while we can…

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